DECEMBER!!

Okay so let's start things with saying "WOW!!" It feels as if the year had only just started and it's coming to an end already. Which means that in less than 50 days I'll be leaving to go back to the UK. As you'd probably guess this isn't the worst news in the world. but to be honest it's not the best news either. I love New Zealand, more so due to the people as opposed to the country, but i suppose it could be worse. So far since being here it has been a bit of a roller-coaster journey. There have been good times and Just don't even go there times, but as of right now I can safely say I wouldn't change a thing. The things that have happened have taught me some valuable life lessons and I'm not about to forget them in a hurry. So what are these lessons, I suppose I should answer that right?? 

 So life lesson one: Look after Number 1 and by number 1 I mean ME/YOU/I, basically yourself. This doesn't mean you have to become self-centered, but to look out for you. Okay??

 Next life lesson: Actions have consequences, whether they are good or bad. You make your bed and you have to lie in it. Sometimes the decisions of others can affect you, and all you can do is stand tall, head up high and ride out the storm. 

 So the very last lesson is simple, Have opinions, have goals, have desires, dreams, wishes, hopes and aspirations and most of all have faith that one day your dreams will come true. But most of all remember this, when one door closes another door opens. You may not see the light now, but in time all will become clear.

"For with each dawn, she found new hope that someday, her dreams of happiness would come true."

So I guess I should quit with the life coaching attempts, heh ¬.¬'' I guess i'm not good at it after all, but oh well. Right so what else can I update you with. Well lets see, the last post I really had a good talk to you with, kinda ended on a depressing note. But I can say since then things have been moving on up. Booyahh hunny!! Right so my birthday happened, I got a new job, I went on a road trip with friends and I started learning to drive. So yeah, not that much has happened but it's been far more eventful than my life has been since I finished school. Guess that shows how much of an anti-social person I am. 

I'm 22 and next year (no surprise) I'll be turning 23. I'd have thought that by now I'd have everything in life basically sorted. Well guess what, it hasn't happened yet. I'm still as childish as ever and I still have no control over my life. So how do you suppose I change this?? First step, learning to drive. Once I have managed to do that my world will open up. I won't be relying on others to get me from A to B, I'll be able to take myself places. So what are my future plans aside from driving? I plan on learning to love myself and appreciate me for what I can provide on my own. I want to be able to buy my own car, rent my own place and hold a steady job. I don't want to be a woman who needs a man, but rather a woman that a man needs. :| Yeah that sounded way better in my head that it does on here but hopefully you get the message right?? It's not like people take that much notice of what I write on here, or do they?? 

Okay so lets switch it up. For the past couple of months I've noticed things changing. I'm no longer agreeing with everything people say and I've kicked the people pleasing habit to a certain degree. I've been doing things my way and have started to feel better for it. I am me and no-one else can be a better me. 

So maybe I should tell you a little bit about myself ( not that you don't know too much already ) 

I'm a 22 year old woman trying to swim in the sea of life. I have lots of hobbies and interests but they all seem to be old granny hobbies; Crosstitching, Sewing, Baking, Knitting, scrapbooking etc... I love music, I basically have a favourite song from every genre, from the heavy metal and Screamo, to the classical melodies. I also love movies, with my favourite genre being thriller/psychological horrors and my least fave genre being comedies. But on saying that I do love  a good Adam Sandler movie, Will Smith, The carry on series and a couple more comedy films :/ SO I guess I'm a bit of a contradiction. But the truth be told that's me all over. I don't like dogs and yet I want a puppy, I hate the colour pink and yet I have pretty much everything in pink. I prefer Winter to summer, Spring to Autumn. White to Black, Gothic to girly, Night to day and the list goes on. My lucky number is 7, though I always seem the find the number 3 doing more favours for me. I love Tarot cards and mystical creatures such as fairies, demons, witches and all things magical, but I don't believe in them. My star sign is cancer and my favourite crystal is Amethyst. So that's it, I don't think I've missed too much out :3

Right so as for the life changing lessons, this is what I've been doing to fix all the mistakes that I keep making. I try to be happy and not let stress get to me which has caused me to develop the f**k it mentality. kinda strange right. The mentality is this, I was anxious about flying to New Zealand on my own, but then suddenly I realised If I didn't take that step I'd be stuck in my hometown forever, the solution is simple, I just thought f**k it, and pushed myself forward. Another way for you to look at it is the "bite the bullet" theory. As at the end of the day if you don't try then you'll always fail, but if you take that chance you have the opportunity to succeed in life. I chose to stop letting my fears control my life, I'm in the driving seat now and THIS IS MY LIFE!!!!

New Zealand Trip - Part 1

Ok so where should I start? At the beginning I guess. SO on the 5^th February 2014 I arrived in New Zealand, a little jet lagged but so happy and excited. The first day here I was shown around the town and got to have a quick look at what the town was like. It was nice, a little quiet, but hey it’s not Wales right??

So then on my first full day here I found myself with nothing to do. I was taken to a market festival during lunch which was nice but it was over pretty quickly and I found I had gone back to having nothing to do. This is what the first couple of weeks were like, admittedly I was taken to get a new phone and to get a bank account but nothing really happened. 

Then almost two weeks later things changed, my aunt’s new husbands niece came back to stay with them so things became a lot more interesting in the house. Introducing Little Miss Robyn. At first I wasn’t sure what to make of her as I’d heard stories from my aunt and she didn’t exactly paint a good impression of Robyn. I didn’t want to be the annoying relative that she was forced to be friends with. I also thought that seeing as she’s older we wouldn’t have much to talk about. But guess what? I was wrong.

Meeting Robyn turned out to be one of the best things that has happened to me since coming to New Zealand. It gave me the opportunity to speak to someone and be honest with myself about how I truly felt. This is because she didn’t judge me and I could pretty much say whatever was on my mind, even if it cause a few weird looks. It was good to be able to be myself around such a happy and confident person. She made me feel more confident and brave I guess you could say.

Robyn was the one who helped me to get a job here, she set up the meeting and I went and got signed up for work. She was also the one who helped to do my first bit of travelling since being here. We went to Queenstown and it was an amazing experience for me, you’d have to ask Robyn for her opinion, but I think she enjoyed it too. In order to get to Queenstown I had to purchase bus tickets online, however as I did and still don’t have a debit card I wasn’t able to. In comes Robyn, she let me use her card so that I could pay for bus tickets and accommodation. I transferred the money to her and she entered her details. Job done, yay. Robyn offered, my aunt did not :\

Not long after Robyn arrived, her and my aunt had a falling out which resulted in Robyn moving out. When this happened I was upset as I couldn’t figure out what she was supposed to have done to make my aunt hate her so much. Yes my aunt does hate her, she tells me so pretty much every time she ever mentions Robyn. She’s on a “Make Leigh hate Robyn” campaign at the moment but that’s another story.

So lets talk about Queenstown. It was great, admittedly the long bus journey there was so damn boring, but it was worth it. The first night we arrived in QT (QT-Queenstown) late at night so we checked into the hostel, put our bags away and then went out for dinner. We had thai food and what I ordered was damn hot that I couldn’t eat it :,). After that we went back to our dorm/room and went to sleep.

The next day we were up early to catch the bus to do the Milford Sound tour. It was another long drive but yet again it was worth it. The views on the way down were amazing and I wish I could have taken better photos but unfortunately I’m crap at photography so that didn’t happen :,). When we arrived at Milford Sound to the cruise I was amazed that there could such a beautiful place tucked away here in NZ. The cruise that we went on was short, about an hour and a half, but it was filled with breath-taking views and it was simply amazing. I took lots of pictures but as I’m not great at photography they didn’t all turn out great, but that’s okay at least I tried, right?

So day 3 of QT, not much happened, we had a browse through the shops and got to have a look at the beautiful scenery around the town, it was a good day. The one thing that sticks in my mind though is when we went to price up some adrenaline things for Robyn. We went to a place called Peter Pans and asked about the different things. We ended up deciding to do the Shotover Canyon swing, or should I say I decided to do it. I kind of didn’t give Robyn much of a choice, I told her that she’s doing it as I wanted to and I wasn’t going to do it alone. XD So after we’d booked it we were able to relax for the rest of the evening.  We went on a self-made mini pub crawl, which was a lot of fun. We went into a bar that was pretty much inside of a freezer, Minus 5 and boy did it live up to its name. We were given warm coats to wear and gloves. It was great, we stayed and had 2 vodka cocktails each before moving onto the next place. So that’s pretty much how we spent our night. :3

On the day of the canyon swing, I was so nervous that I woke up every hour starting at 5 and finishing at 10. All the while Robyn was still all cwtched up in bed sleeping peacefully. As I was awake and bored and I didn’t really want to wake her up, I got up showered, and went for a short walk. By the time I got back to the room, she was awake and it was almost time for us to head over to the meet up point for the canyon swing. The actual canyon swing was one of the scariest and most amazing things I have ever done in my life and I’m so thankful to Robyn for being there and helping me to do it. I know for a fact that I wouldn’t have done it if she hadn’t been there. I have photos and a video of the event, which I won’t be sharing because I don’t think Robyn would be too happy with it lol, plus  I screamed like a baby so it’s kind of embarrassing for me. Haha

So that’s pretty much it for the Queenstown trip. After we got back to Ashburton we parted ways and I’ll admit I got upset, At the house, not when I said goodbye to Robyn. Kind of pathetic right? I was just sad that Robyn was all the way on the other side of town and that I wasn’t able to speak to her as easily as I used to , when she was living with us. I got a little depressed but it was sorted the next day :,) I was able to talk to Robyn and clear the air so to speak.

So for the next couple of weeks I wasn’t able to speak to Robyn much and this made me upset. It made me think how can I be so upset over someone I’ve only just met, It’s kind of weird. So on the 20^th March We met up for one last meal in NZ, Robyn was flying home the next day and I wanted to be able to say goodbye. I was working in the day and was almost in tears when I was told we had to work late as I was so afraid that I wouldn’t be able to see Robyn before she left. Fortunately I was able to meet up with her. We had a meal and went out for a drink and we were able to have a really long chat which was good. When it came to saying goodbye, I didn’t want Robyn to go. I understand that she had already been in NZ for 10 months and that she wanted to see her family, I guess I was selfish but I wanted her to stay. On the way back to the house, she walked me halfway back, I kept looking behind me as I was afraid that when I did I’d find that she had disappeared. But she didn’t, halfway to the house we stopped, had a hug and ended up talking more before one last hug and parting ways. On the way back to the house I was devastated that she was going, it hurt and I can’t say why but it just did. When I got in the house, My aunt asked why I was so upset, and all I could say was “Because I don’t want Robyn to go” before starting to cry so I left the room and went and had a good cry in my room :,) I found that the way my aunt reacted was pretty cold, which made things worse. She could have at least pretended to care.

So after the realisation that Robyn was gone, back home, I found myself in tears every time someone mentioned her not being here.  It took me a while to get used to, which is weird because like I said I’d only known her for little over a month but her absence left a big void that was hard to cope with. It was made worse then, when my aunt would change the subject or stop talking whenever I mentioned Robyn’s name. It was almost as if it was a taboo subject, which I found hard. Especially seeing as I only ever seem to talk about Robyn, or so I’ve been told haha lol

So yes, that’s about as far as I’m going to for now. I have more to say but I have to figure out how to put into words, if that makes sense. A lot has happened since Robyn left which is kind of surprising seeing as she’s only really been gone a little over 2 weeks :,) 

I’ll update soon but for now Bye bye xx

New Years Resolutions!!

I know this is a couple of days late and a bit of a cliche but oh well.

Most people make resolutions every year and they never keep them, I'm one of them. However this year I'm hoping to actually keep them, so here we go.

 My New Years Resolutions for 2014 are:

1. Be HAPPY :3 ✔️

2. Lose weight (1 1/2 stone :{ )

3. Visit Hobbiton :) (New Zealand)

4. Get a job (New Zealand) ✔️

5. Blog/Vlog more :) ✔️


So that's it, My 5 New Years Resolutions :) They should be simple enough to complete :,3 Hopefully.

Ok bye bye

^._.^

Edit -

6. Meet and make new friends

7. Learn to drive

8. Do fun and crazy things

9. Go out more

10. Become more confident 

5 more hopefully I'll have achieved by the end of the year :)

NEW ZEALAND HOLIDAY

NEW ZEALAND

So This is going to be about my holiday plans for New Zealand. A little bit about my visa and the costs involved.

Visa - Irish Working Holiday Visa

You can yours here: http://www.immigration.govt.nz/migrant/stream/work/workingholiday/

The visa costs between £80 - £105

The Irish visa lasts for up to 12 months. However the British visa can either be for 12 moths or 23 months.

ENTRANCE REQUIREMENTS

Before entering New Zealand there are a few requirements that you need to meet and they are:

1- Being between the ages of 18-30

2- Have at least $4,500 New Zealand Dollars which is equal to about £2,500. (I will be taking £3,000 with me) 

Flights

To get to New Zealand I will be travelling alone. I will be going via Singapore Airlines.

London (Heathrow Airport)  - Singapore - New Zealand (Christchurch)

London to Singapore - The flight will last 12 hours.
Singapore to Christchurch - The flight will be 9 hours.

The flights cost - £1,340 for a years return ticket. 

This includes food and drinks during the flight.

ACCOMMODATION

I will be staying with my Auntie whilst I'm in New Zealand, however if you are planning to go travelling around you are going to need to take enough money to cover the cost of staying in hostels and or hotels. It's been advised my someone I used to work with recommended that you take at least £500-£1,000 a month for accommodation and eating expenses. If your planning on going on any tours it's best to bring enough to cover the expenses and to buy any souvenirs.  

FINAL COSTS

So overall the final cost of my holiday is £4,425 APPROX.

I hope you find this useful, if you have any questions please feel free to comment with any queries.

Thanks for reading

Bye Bye

xoxo

hmm

Ok so I lied. I was planning on only blogging when I'm happy but I've realised recently that I'm only happy when doing 3 things. They are:
1.Planing my escape to New Zealand
2. Reading shoujo manga
and 3. Talking with my twitter friends.

Although these things make me happy, they've also made me realise just how bad my depression has become again. When I was my contract was ending in work I started to notice it creeping back. The anxiety and the feeling of being replaced. Some might say it was all in my head, but the truth is, I actually did get replaced in work. The girls who replaced me were happy and cheerful and kind and it just made me realise how much of a miserable person I am. I don't fit in. They would all talk about their weekends and how they went out with friends and boyfriends and all I could think is wow, i sat at home with my cat and watched anime. I really love anime but at the same time I wish I liked the same things as everyone my age does. Drinking, going out and SOCIALISING with people. But I guess I'm afraid I'll be made fun of. I don't like the same music or know any of the popular things, so it makes me feel like a 3 year old. To think when I was 8 I was so mature, then after finishing school it seemed as if I became younger and not older. I love anime characters and it annoys me. I start thinking up versions of myself and it makes me sad. I'm not pretty or thin or popular and I don't have any talents. But in my dreams I'm happy and I love the way I look. I dream that I'm blonde (cliche much I know), slim, have friends, a boyfriend and children. Yes children, I want to have a family when I grow up, I don't want to be old and alone. Kind of sad how desperate that sounds huh. I don't want to be rich, but I'd like my own house, I want to be able to drive and do normal things.

I know what your thinking after reading that and I hear it all the time. "Get out and do something" but it's not that easy. My sister always recommends things for me to do but then I think, how weird would it be for me to do these things alone? I have no one to go with. I've mastered my fear of going shopping on my own and going to the cinema but I cant make myself eat out somewhere. I panic that people are staring and laughing at me behind my back. Pretty arrogant huh? They probably don't even notice me, but still I can't do it. Sometimes it feels like I'm being crushed by my fear and it's horrible. I remember before I started my old job I couldn't talk on the phone, I would panic so much that I'd be on the verge of tears. I hated t, however in my new job I was forced to make and receive phone calls on a daily basis, so I had to get over my phobia. It took me 7 months to pluck up the courage and gain the confidence to be the one making the phone calls without preparing a script. and then when the new girls started they did it like it was nothing. I felt so pathetic I could cry. Why was it so easy for them and so hard for me? Why do I have to be afraid of people? Why can't I say what I think and do what I want? Why must I feel so afraid to do new things? Why? Why can't I be normal?

But I guess sitting here in a ball of self-pity isn't going to help me. So I guess that's why I'm writing this blog, I need to tell people how I feel. I mean I told my sister before and she helped but, I don't know I guess Things don't work if you stop trying. I remember in 2012 when I was on holiday with my mom and gran and getting the phone call to say my brother had made a suicide attempt, all I could think is why do you have to ruin everything? Cruel huh? I mean when we got back everyone was being so nice and all I could do was criticise him. He was miserable and yet I yelled at him. He was supposed to be the happy one, the who didn't give f**k and did what he liked. He complained about his break up and how miserable he was and all I told him to was get a grip. weeks after my mom kept telling me off for shouting at him, saying that he lost everything and why can't i be nice to him? That this experience made him grow up fast. It was then that I told my mom, "yeah, well I had to that too when I was 8. I wanted to die and I even attempted, but guess what I got over it and so will he" it's safe she was surprised , it's like seriously you never noticed how depressed I was. You didn't notice how he made me feel, made me wish I was dead? no? you mean you didn't notice I had no friends, seriously? Louise noticed, and she didn't tell you?  The truth is I've been depressed for so long that I don't even know when it started, I just know that I wasn't happy when I was in primary school and I haven't truly been happy since.

The people I've met on twitter help, so does the anime and manga, kind of like anti-depressants, but at the same time I know it's only temporary. The happiness I feel from manga disappears as soon as I stop reading it and the same goes for the anime and the twitter friends. Its like the other day I was looking for ways to cure depression and I read a perfect description of what it feels like.

"You know when the water in the pool is cold but not so cold that you wont get used to it once you are in? If yes you probably have been in this situation where you are standing at the edge of the pool wanting to go in but something is holding you back. All your friends in the pool have fun, you have been trough this a thousand times and you know everything will be okay once you are in but still something inside you makes it hard for you to jump into the pool.

Depression is like that just with every single thing you do."

This is one of the many reasons I have decide to go to New Zealand, I want to leave the place that made me so depressed and start a fresh some place else. I want a fresh start, but at the same time I know it's not going to be a miracle cure. Starting a fresh will just be the same, I won't know anyone and I'll be just as socially awkward as I am now. But I have to do something. I feel like I'm suffocating in this bubble and I need a way out. Any way, just an escape route. I was originally planning on going to Canada unitl the fear of not knowing anyone stopped me from doing it. That's why when I found out my Auntie had moved to New Zealand, I found hope. Then came the daunting task of asking if she'd let me visit her, at first it was only going to be for a month at most, but then I felt miserable at work and changed it to a year. However the plan is that if I like it out there and I finally become happy, I'mm going to try and stay. Maybe I'll never leave, who knows. I might even come back sooner, but honestly as of know I don't think I'll want to. Come back that is. Like I've said in other posts I hate Wales. It's given me so many scars and I don't know if they'll ever heal.

If your reading this and thinking why didn't I tell anyone that I was this miserable, well then honestly I don't know. I kinda hoped that someone would notice but I guess I'd been feeling like this for so long that they didn't notice the difference. I guess my sister noticed first and she used to tell me that I didn't need to try so hard to be happy, that it should come naturally, but it didn't and still doesn't. I guess my parents and brother noticed when I refused to go to one of my jobs one day, but I mean you'd have to have been blind not to notice it then. I was hysterical crying and panicking and I just wanted everything to stop and leave me alone. It was then that I was taken to the Doctors with my sister telling them how I'd been behaving. It's kind of hard to be told by a Doctor that they recognise you have depression, I mean I was lucky I was young as otherwise I would have been given medication. They said that due to my age they wouldn't medicate me and that I should try other ways to cure it. In the short term it kind of worked, but then it stopped working. I felt it creep back up again and again. But whenever I think of telling the Doctor again I keep thinking, that they're going to say I'm lying. But I'm not. The thought of having to tell people I'm depressed scares me. Will they treat me differently,  will they think I'm suicidal or will they just looking at me with pitying stares.

Some days I'm happy and others I'm numb, I'd say it was kind of bi-polar but it's not that extreme or maybe it is and I've just not noticed. I mean some days I'm so happy, excited and hyper that it physically hurts. I want to jump about and scream "woohoo" but then i know that I can't. then the other days I just feel numb and want to destroy all the things that make me happy. Like binning my books, because people said they were childish and throwing away anime and manga and all the things I love. I regret it afterward but at the time I feel nothing. I just want it to be gone. Some days I'll buy something and love it but at the same time I know that in a few weeks the "down" day will hit and I'll bin it, but for those few weeks i just want it. I wish I could feel normal but I guess there isn't really such a thing as normal is there. hmmm maybe I'll this now. I wonder if anyone reads this, If you do and you made it to the end I hope I haven't made you feel sad. I just need to say this to someone, preferably someone I don't know.

Ok so bye bye

Bored

You know when I first heard about blogs I guess i was a little naive. I thought that if I started one, I'd get a lot of followers. But it never happened, don't get me wrong I love that I have 7 followers :3 what with 7 being my favourite number an all. but still it didn't happen how I thought it would.

I thought I'd have a lot of fun and interesting things to say, but the truth is i don't. I find it hard thinking up things to post about, so I end up forgetting about it. I mean I watch "famous" YouTubers and think wow, I wonder what it would be like to have their life for the day. They always seem to be doing amazing things and I guess I'm jealous. They seem to have everything handed to them on silver platters but then again I guess that's just the way I see it. The truth is they probably work hard to get everything and yet it seems so easy.

I used to want to be like them then suddenly one day it hit me. They're using YouTube as a business, they get paid and it’s their job. You'd have thought I already knew that but I didn't. Now when I look back on the videos I used to love all I see is an incredible marketing plot, by sending stuff to the YouTubers companies know that they'll make money of the viewers who aspire to be like their YouTube idols. I have to admit that I’ve fallen for it to. The other day when I was in Tesco I bought Coconut water and when my mom asked me why I bought it I said "I saw a person on YouTube drink and they said it was good". Truth? It tasted disgusting, and yet I bought it again, because of that YouTuber. Wow I must sound so cynical right now. :/

Ok so moving and getting back to the main point I was trying to make. What on earth do people talk about on here? I mean, I have a pretty normal life yet at the same time I have nothing to write about. I could do anime and manga reviews but I'm kind of rubbish at it. I remember I tried reviewing Bleach once and my friend told me it was rubbish. Don't get me wrong, she was right, about the review not the anime. The anime is brilliant, fantastic even, it's just I couldn't put it into words just how amazing it was. So yeah, no go. I might do my song of the day/week thing that I did a couple of years ago, but then again that’s not really interesting. hmm

.

. .

. . .

What should i write about? I could ask my twitter friends, but then again I don't want to seem forced to write about things I don't care about, not that I don't care about my twitter friends, I'm just worried I might not agree with their suggestions.