DECEMBER!!

Okay so let's start things with saying "WOW!!" It feels as if the year had only just started and it's coming to an end already. Which means that in less than 50 days I'll be leaving to go back to the UK. As you'd probably guess this isn't the worst news in the world. but to be honest it's not the best news either. I love New Zealand, more so due to the people as opposed to the country, but i suppose it could be worse. So far since being here it has been a bit of a roller-coaster journey. There have been good times and Just don't even go there times, but as of right now I can safely say I wouldn't change a thing. The things that have happened have taught me some valuable life lessons and I'm not about to forget them in a hurry. So what are these lessons, I suppose I should answer that right?? 

 So life lesson one: Look after Number 1 and by number 1 I mean ME/YOU/I, basically yourself. This doesn't mean you have to become self-centered, but to look out for you. Okay??

 Next life lesson: Actions have consequences, whether they are good or bad. You make your bed and you have to lie in it. Sometimes the decisions of others can affect you, and all you can do is stand tall, head up high and ride out the storm. 

 So the very last lesson is simple, Have opinions, have goals, have desires, dreams, wishes, hopes and aspirations and most of all have faith that one day your dreams will come true. But most of all remember this, when one door closes another door opens. You may not see the light now, but in time all will become clear.

"For with each dawn, she found new hope that someday, her dreams of happiness would come true."

So I guess I should quit with the life coaching attempts, heh ¬.¬'' I guess i'm not good at it after all, but oh well. Right so what else can I update you with. Well lets see, the last post I really had a good talk to you with, kinda ended on a depressing note. But I can say since then things have been moving on up. Booyahh hunny!! Right so my birthday happened, I got a new job, I went on a road trip with friends and I started learning to drive. So yeah, not that much has happened but it's been far more eventful than my life has been since I finished school. Guess that shows how much of an anti-social person I am. 

I'm 22 and next year (no surprise) I'll be turning 23. I'd have thought that by now I'd have everything in life basically sorted. Well guess what, it hasn't happened yet. I'm still as childish as ever and I still have no control over my life. So how do you suppose I change this?? First step, learning to drive. Once I have managed to do that my world will open up. I won't be relying on others to get me from A to B, I'll be able to take myself places. So what are my future plans aside from driving? I plan on learning to love myself and appreciate me for what I can provide on my own. I want to be able to buy my own car, rent my own place and hold a steady job. I don't want to be a woman who needs a man, but rather a woman that a man needs. :| Yeah that sounded way better in my head that it does on here but hopefully you get the message right?? It's not like people take that much notice of what I write on here, or do they?? 

Okay so lets switch it up. For the past couple of months I've noticed things changing. I'm no longer agreeing with everything people say and I've kicked the people pleasing habit to a certain degree. I've been doing things my way and have started to feel better for it. I am me and no-one else can be a better me. 

So maybe I should tell you a little bit about myself ( not that you don't know too much already ) 

I'm a 22 year old woman trying to swim in the sea of life. I have lots of hobbies and interests but they all seem to be old granny hobbies; Crosstitching, Sewing, Baking, Knitting, scrapbooking etc... I love music, I basically have a favourite song from every genre, from the heavy metal and Screamo, to the classical melodies. I also love movies, with my favourite genre being thriller/psychological horrors and my least fave genre being comedies. But on saying that I do love  a good Adam Sandler movie, Will Smith, The carry on series and a couple more comedy films :/ SO I guess I'm a bit of a contradiction. But the truth be told that's me all over. I don't like dogs and yet I want a puppy, I hate the colour pink and yet I have pretty much everything in pink. I prefer Winter to summer, Spring to Autumn. White to Black, Gothic to girly, Night to day and the list goes on. My lucky number is 7, though I always seem the find the number 3 doing more favours for me. I love Tarot cards and mystical creatures such as fairies, demons, witches and all things magical, but I don't believe in them. My star sign is cancer and my favourite crystal is Amethyst. So that's it, I don't think I've missed too much out :3

Right so as for the life changing lessons, this is what I've been doing to fix all the mistakes that I keep making. I try to be happy and not let stress get to me which has caused me to develop the f**k it mentality. kinda strange right. The mentality is this, I was anxious about flying to New Zealand on my own, but then suddenly I realised If I didn't take that step I'd be stuck in my hometown forever, the solution is simple, I just thought f**k it, and pushed myself forward. Another way for you to look at it is the "bite the bullet" theory. As at the end of the day if you don't try then you'll always fail, but if you take that chance you have the opportunity to succeed in life. I chose to stop letting my fears control my life, I'm in the driving seat now and THIS IS MY LIFE!!!!

Blah blah Random thoughts

When I look back on the world from when i was younger I see that all though I know see it differently, not much has changed. People or should I say the people around me haven't changed and sometimes I think maybe that's a good thing but then I remember that change is what allows a person to grow. It moves you forward in life ever closer to the greatest goals and desires of your heart. Then I sit and think, Have I changed? Have I moved forward or am I still the same person I was all those years ago. Yes, I'd love to yes I have changed that I have become stronger, braver and more confident. However there are still days when I think nothings changed. How do you know if you've changed and how do you know if that's a good thing? I always sit and think what would my life be like if I acted the way I do in my day dreams. Would things be different, would I be happier? But those are the things I'll never know.

I guess in some ways I have changed, I have begun to open up to people more by letting them know about how I feel and all the pain that I've been carrying for most of my life. It was hard and it still is but I'm getting there. I'm just so afraid that people will look at me differently and speak to me as if I were made of glass that could shatter at any moment. I know how hard it is to try and talk to someone who isn't happy but at the same time the only reason I find it difficult is simply due to the fact that I don't want them to question me the same way. But I guess that's life, a series of unfortunate events that no one can control, all you can do is control how it affects your life and what you do with the pain/grief or the knowledge it gives you. But that's not to say that all bad things happen to hurt you, sometimes one door has to close so that another can open.

So where do we go from here? On-wards and up-wards that's where. Or at least that's where I hope to go. At the start of last year I made a decision that has since changed my life, at first it seemed to the worst decision of my life, but now when I look back I can see that it truly was the greatest choice that I've made so far. I'm guessing your wondering what this great change might have been. To put it simply " I escaped Wales". Yes that's right I ESCAPED!! For most of my life I have lived in Wales and I have hated it. To me it's the source of my misery, the people the places and even the culture. I know it's not wise to lump everyone together in one boat but I can honestly say that since I've left Wales I have felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders. My heart is lighter and I have finally started to truly fell happy. Happy?? this is something that if you asked me about last year, I could honestly say that I have never truly experienced. Sad right? 

When I arrived in New Zealand the euphoria I felt from no longer being in Wales is what fueled me to keep going for the first two weeks. But then things changed, I noticed that my happiness was slipping, and it was going fast. My anxiety came back and it was worse than ever, it was so bad that I suffered 3 mini/mild panic attacks. It was horrible to suddenly be unable to breathe, feeling a pain that isn't real and just wishing I could die, anything to make it stop. New Zealand was supposed to be my miracle cure, a way to make all of the pain and the hurt disappear, but guess what, it didn't, it came with me. I'd read online that this would happen, but I guess I was naive. I hoped and prayed that things would be different, but they weren't and in some ways they were worse. I felt trapped, as if I was suffocating in a home that was supposed to be my safe haven.  

As you might already know on the 30th March 2014 I attempted to commit suicide, yes that's right I took an overdose and tried to end it all. The pain I felt was so strong that I just wanted it to stop. I guess in reality I didn't think about it that much. I just got a glass of water, took the pills and went to sleep. Okay so technically speaking I've missed out a bit in the middle, but I don't want to go into that. So basically the long and the short of it is, I did something stupid. To me it was stupid, but that doesn't mean to say that I'm happy with others calling my decision stupid. Kind of pathetic right? I can say it but you can't. But then again I've always said I was a hypocrite. 

So where do I go from here. Literally speaking I went to the hospital, which might I add was the worst part of the whole experience. As I've said before dying is easy, living is the hard part. Knowing that I had to walk into a hospital and tell a nurse and a doctor and countless other medical professionals what I had done filled me with fear. I have never cried so much in my life, I was mortified and horrified that one of my worst fears had come true. That fear was to put in hospital due to my depression, it was something I feared since I was a child, that one people would find out and I would have to be admitted to the psych ward and I'd never be able to leave. So I guess in some ways my fear didn't come true. I was admitted into the acute injuries ward and had to undergo a few tests. Then I had to wait a while for my blood tests to come back and for the observations to end. I was watched constantly and I had to repeat what had happened several times. i admit the staff were kind and compassionate but I felt like a child, like they were speaking to me as if they were expecting me to freak out at any moment and have a complete meltdown. It made me feel uncomfortable and it honestly made me wish I had died. I didn't want to see the looks on their faces, the look that you'd give a broken toy, the look of pity or hopelessness. The worst came from the people I thought I could trust, and that hurt more than you can ever imagine. 

So on the day I was admitted to hospital, something changed and it was this change that has since made my life worth living. The change, I met someone, not a romantic someone but a new friend. I'd been introduced to her before but I honestly didn't think we'd ever be friends. That was until on the 31st March she showed up at the hospital. I'd just finished having my compulsory psych evaluation when she walked in. She was in tears when she gave me a hug. It was that moment when it truly sunk in what I had done. The moment when a pretty much complete stranger cried for me someone they knew nothing about. It hurt, but not for the reasons you'd expect. It hurt because here was a stranger feeling pain and shedding tears for me when the woman I once called family was sitting next to me only thinking of how this was going to make her look. How it was going to affect her status and peoples opinion of her. She didn't care how much I hurt as long as people thought she was a good person, that it didn't affect her relationship with my parents.

So yes, In case your wondering who this woman is, her name is Jenny. she has since become a great friend and confident to me. She welcomed me into her home and into her family and I cannot thank her enough for all she has done for me. She was the one who showed me that I have a reason to live. That my life is worth living. If your wondering how she did this, it's simple. She became my friend, she treated me like I was a regular person. She spoke to me as if today had never happened and most of all she was kind. Kind in the simplest of ways. She smiled, and made me feel human at a time when I felt like an empty shell. I have since in a way become a part of her family. She includes me on family days out and I have come to feel at home with her family. They are some of the most amazing people I have ever met, her husband, her sons, her niece and her nephew. Through them I have been able to meet and become friends with more people and I will be forever grateful of the day that I met her as I don't think I would be the person I am today had I not met her.

So what's happened since then. Well where should I start. .

this is going to be a long journey so I guess I'll stop here. I'll continue to update this eventually but not right now. I feel I've written a lot as it is and I have bared it all to you and I'm just too numb inside right now to continue. That's not to say I'm not happy, it's just it's hard to be happy when I remember these things.

I just hope that none of my family or the people I've met in New Zealand sees this. :/

My Life

When I was 7 I used to wish I was an adult so that I could do anything I wanted. I thought that I'd be confident and happy and able to cope with everything that the world threw at me. Oh how wrong I was. Now that I'm 19 and almost 20 I dream of the simpler times when everything was done for me. I never had to work and could just coast through life. As of October last year I am unemployed and I am hating it so much.

When I finished school at 16 I had no idea what I wanted to do in life, apart from knowing that I did not want to work in a hair salon, as I had previously helped out at my cousin's salon for a couple of days. I hated it, but that's was probably because I had no previous training and didn't know what to. even though all I did was answer the phone, clean, make tea and eventually washed clients hair.

So after school I signed up for college and started doing my As levels. However due to not talking to my old friends from school (who happened to be in all my classes TT^TT) I felt alone and isolated in college so I quit after 3 months.

I went to join the Army Prep course in another college as I'd seen one of my friends on it and saw how much she was enjoying it. I thought that if I joined i too would be happy with it as well, but I guess I have bad judgement, as I ended up hating the course and quit after 2 weeks.

As you can clearly see I've made some bad choices, so finally my sister said that if I couldn't find anything better to do my self then I would have to go to Careers Wales and ask about an apprenticeship or to go on another course. Doing this led me to being put on a work experience programme in a nursery. No doubtingly  you've guessed it, I hated it there. It's not that I disliked working with the children it's just that the staff put too much responsibility on the work experience people, and didn't really support us the way they should have. So I ended up quitting after about 2 months.

From there I went on to do more work experience, this time in a retail shop, Wilkinson's. Some people may laugh about working there but I can honestly say that  I was the happiest I'd ever been when I worked there. However after 18 months I sadly had to leave as the work experience course I was on was finishing and there was no hope of me getting a job at the end of it.

Before I finished at Wilkinson's my mother managed to get me a job helping out in the kitchen of a pub that a friend of hers's daughter owned. At first I was excited about the prospect of working in a bar but as the days grew closer and the time for me to start arrived I panicked. The first day was horrific I got shouted at constantly and was expected to know how to do everything. That night I came home crying and dreaded working the next day. I managed to go back a second time and even though it was better I still coudn't cope. I wanted to tell my mom but I didn't want to let her down. As the week passed and my next shift was coming up I panicked and had a mini breakdown, I couldn't face going back there. This was when my sister took me to the doctor and found out that I was slightly depressed. The doctor reccomended some activities such as join a group to try and make me happier as she didn't think that medication helps everyone and in some cases makes things worse.

So moving on from that experience I got a job on a market stall newsagents that was owned by a family friend. This was supposed to help build my confidence and self-esteem, however it did the opposite and made things worse. I admit that working on the stall made me speak louder and join in conversations but that's all it did. Initially I hated working there, some days I would come home crying and I wanted to quit and give up so many times. However as I had no other job opportunities available I had to stay. I'm glad I did in a way as I was able to pay for my self to go on holiday for two weeks and pay for spending and all the other paraphernalia that goes with holidays :D. However the feeling of not wanting to be at the job was still there, the reason was that I was constantly being criticised  and compared to some one who used to work there before I did. Eventually though, the comments got too much and I quit. and that's what brings me to where I am now.

A lot of people may say that it's my own fault that I'm in this situation , and I agree, however I place my happiness and sanity higher that anything.  While I was working at Wilkinson's my slight depression that I had, lifted and I was genuinely happier than I had been in years, however when I worked in the market stall i noticed it starting to slip. I no longer found interest in the things I used to love and didn't care for anything really. I still can't say that I'm happy anymore. I no longer have favorite colour's or food or anything anymore. Whenever I try to think pf stuff like that I just come up empty. Nothing, blank empty thoughts. It makes feel like a freak that I can't enjoy the things I know I love anymore.

OK so if you've manged to read all of this I commend you , and hope that I didn't bore you with a snapshot of my life story.

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