1.Planing my escape to New Zealand
2. Reading shoujo manga
and 3. Talking with my twitter friends.
Although these things make me happy, they've also made me realise just how bad my depression has become again. When I was my contract was ending in work I started to notice it creeping back. The anxiety and the feeling of being replaced. Some might say it was all in my head, but the truth is, I actually did get replaced in work. The girls who replaced me were happy and cheerful and kind and it just made me realise how much of a miserable person I am. I don't fit in. They would all talk about their weekends and how they went out with friends and boyfriends and all I could think is wow, i sat at home with my cat and watched anime. I really love anime but at the same time I wish I liked the same things as everyone my age does. Drinking, going out and SOCIALISING with people. But I guess I'm afraid I'll be made fun of. I don't like the same music or know any of the popular things, so it makes me feel like a 3 year old. To think when I was 8 I was so mature, then after finishing school it seemed as if I became younger and not older. I love anime characters and it annoys me. I start thinking up versions of myself and it makes me sad. I'm not pretty or thin or popular and I don't have any talents. But in my dreams I'm happy and I love the way I look. I dream that I'm blonde (cliche much I know), slim, have friends, a boyfriend and children. Yes children, I want to have a family when I grow up, I don't want to be old and alone. Kind of sad how desperate that sounds huh. I don't want to be rich, but I'd like my own house, I want to be able to drive and do normal things.
I know what your thinking after reading that and I hear it all the time. "Get out and do something" but it's not that easy. My sister always recommends things for me to do but then I think, how weird would it be for me to do these things alone? I have no one to go with. I've mastered my fear of going shopping on my own and going to the cinema but I cant make myself eat out somewhere. I panic that people are staring and laughing at me behind my back. Pretty arrogant huh? They probably don't even notice me, but still I can't do it. Sometimes it feels like I'm being crushed by my fear and it's horrible. I remember before I started my old job I couldn't talk on the phone, I would panic so much that I'd be on the verge of tears. I hated t, however in my new job I was forced to make and receive phone calls on a daily basis, so I had to get over my phobia. It took me 7 months to pluck up the courage and gain the confidence to be the one making the phone calls without preparing a script. and then when the new girls started they did it like it was nothing. I felt so pathetic I could cry. Why was it so easy for them and so hard for me? Why do I have to be afraid of people? Why can't I say what I think and do what I want? Why must I feel so afraid to do new things? Why? Why can't I be normal?
But I guess sitting here in a ball of self-pity isn't going to help me. So I guess that's why I'm writing this blog, I need to tell people how I feel. I mean I told my sister before and she helped but, I don't know I guess Things don't work if you stop trying. I remember in 2012 when I was on holiday with my mom and gran and getting the phone call to say my brother had made a suicide attempt, all I could think is why do you have to ruin everything? Cruel huh? I mean when we got back everyone was being so nice and all I could do was criticise him. He was miserable and yet I yelled at him. He was supposed to be the happy one, the who didn't give f**k and did what he liked. He complained about his break up and how miserable he was and all I told him to was get a grip. weeks after my mom kept telling me off for shouting at him, saying that he lost everything and why can't i be nice to him? That this experience made him grow up fast. It was then that I told my mom, "yeah, well I had to that too when I was 8. I wanted to die and I even attempted, but guess what I got over it and so will he" it's safe she was surprised , it's like seriously you never noticed how depressed I was. You didn't notice how he made me feel, made me wish I was dead? no? you mean you didn't notice I had no friends, seriously? Louise noticed, and she didn't tell you? The truth is I've been depressed for so long that I don't even know when it started, I just know that I wasn't happy when I was in primary school and I haven't truly been happy since.
The people I've met on twitter help, so does the anime and manga, kind of like anti-depressants, but at the same time I know it's only temporary. The happiness I feel from manga disappears as soon as I stop reading it and the same goes for the anime and the twitter friends. Its like the other day I was looking for ways to cure depression and I read a perfect description of what it feels like.
"You know when the water in the pool is cold but not so
cold that you wont get used to it once you are in? If yes you probably have
been in this situation where you are standing at the edge of the pool wanting
to go in but something is holding you back. All your friends in the pool have
fun, you have been trough this a thousand times and you know everything will be
okay once you are in but still something inside you makes it hard for you to
jump into the pool.
Depression is like that just with every single thing you
do."
This is one of the many reasons I have decide to go to New Zealand, I want to leave the place that made me so depressed and start a fresh some place else. I want a fresh start, but at the same time I know it's not going to be a miracle cure. Starting a fresh will just be the same, I won't know anyone and I'll be just as socially awkward as I am now. But I have to do something. I feel like I'm suffocating in this bubble and I need a way out. Any way, just an escape route. I was originally planning on going to Canada unitl the fear of not knowing anyone stopped me from doing it. That's why when I found out my Auntie had moved to New Zealand, I found hope. Then came the daunting task of asking if she'd let me visit her, at first it was only going to be for a month at most, but then I felt miserable at work and changed it to a year. However the plan is that if I like it out there and I finally become happy, I'mm going to try and stay. Maybe I'll never leave, who knows. I might even come back sooner, but honestly as of know I don't think I'll want to. Come back that is. Like I've said in other posts I hate Wales. It's given me so many scars and I don't know if they'll ever heal.
If your reading this and thinking why didn't I tell anyone that I was this miserable, well then honestly I don't know. I kinda hoped that someone would notice but I guess I'd been feeling like this for so long that they didn't notice the difference. I guess my sister noticed first and she used to tell me that I didn't need to try so hard to be happy, that it should come naturally, but it didn't and still doesn't. I guess my parents and brother noticed when I refused to go to one of my jobs one day, but I mean you'd have to have been blind not to notice it then. I was hysterical crying and panicking and I just wanted everything to stop and leave me alone. It was then that I was taken to the Doctors with my sister telling them how I'd been behaving. It's kind of hard to be told by a Doctor that they recognise you have depression, I mean I was lucky I was young as otherwise I would have been given medication. They said that due to my age they wouldn't medicate me and that I should try other ways to cure it. In the short term it kind of worked, but then it stopped working. I felt it creep back up again and again. But whenever I think of telling the Doctor again I keep thinking, that they're going to say I'm lying. But I'm not. The thought of having to tell people I'm depressed scares me. Will they treat me differently, will they think I'm suicidal or will they just looking at me with pitying stares.
Some days I'm happy and others I'm numb, I'd say it was kind of bi-polar but it's not that extreme or maybe it is and I've just not noticed. I mean some days I'm so happy, excited and hyper that it physically hurts. I want to jump about and scream "woohoo" but then i know that I can't. then the other days I just feel numb and want to destroy all the things that make me happy. Like binning my books, because people said they were childish and throwing away anime and manga and all the things I love. I regret it afterward but at the time I feel nothing. I just want it to be gone. Some days I'll buy something and love it but at the same time I know that in a few weeks the "down" day will hit and I'll bin it, but for those few weeks i just want it. I wish I could feel normal but I guess there isn't really such a thing as normal is there. hmmm maybe I'll this now. I wonder if anyone reads this, If you do and you made it to the end I hope I haven't made you feel sad. I just need to say this to someone, preferably someone I don't know.
Ok so bye bye
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