I wonder, Does anyone actually read my blog?
If you do, could you please comment something? Anything..
Ok maybe not then
.
. .
. . .
Anybody??
Friday 27 December 2013
hmm
Ok so I lied. I was planning on only blogging when I'm happy but I've realised recently that I'm only happy when doing 3 things. They are:
1.Planing my escape to New Zealand
2. Reading shoujo manga
and 3. Talking with my twitter friends.
Although these things make me happy, they've also made me realise just how bad my depression has become again. When I was my contract was ending in work I started to notice it creeping back. The anxiety and the feeling of being replaced. Some might say it was all in my head, but the truth is, I actually did get replaced in work. The girls who replaced me were happy and cheerful and kind and it just made me realise how much of a miserable person I am. I don't fit in. They would all talk about their weekends and how they went out with friends and boyfriends and all I could think is wow, i sat at home with my cat and watched anime. I really love anime but at the same time I wish I liked the same things as everyone my age does. Drinking, going out and SOCIALISING with people. But I guess I'm afraid I'll be made fun of. I don't like the same music or know any of the popular things, so it makes me feel like a 3 year old. To think when I was 8 I was so mature, then after finishing school it seemed as if I became younger and not older. I love anime characters and it annoys me. I start thinking up versions of myself and it makes me sad. I'm not pretty or thin or popular and I don't have any talents. But in my dreams I'm happy and I love the way I look. I dream that I'm blonde (cliche much I know), slim, have friends, a boyfriend and children. Yes children, I want to have a family when I grow up, I don't want to be old and alone. Kind of sad how desperate that sounds huh. I don't want to be rich, but I'd like my own house, I want to be able to drive and do normal things.
I know what your thinking after reading that and I hear it all the time. "Get out and do something" but it's not that easy. My sister always recommends things for me to do but then I think, how weird would it be for me to do these things alone? I have no one to go with. I've mastered my fear of going shopping on my own and going to the cinema but I cant make myself eat out somewhere. I panic that people are staring and laughing at me behind my back. Pretty arrogant huh? They probably don't even notice me, but still I can't do it. Sometimes it feels like I'm being crushed by my fear and it's horrible. I remember before I started my old job I couldn't talk on the phone, I would panic so much that I'd be on the verge of tears. I hated t, however in my new job I was forced to make and receive phone calls on a daily basis, so I had to get over my phobia. It took me 7 months to pluck up the courage and gain the confidence to be the one making the phone calls without preparing a script. and then when the new girls started they did it like it was nothing. I felt so pathetic I could cry. Why was it so easy for them and so hard for me? Why do I have to be afraid of people? Why can't I say what I think and do what I want? Why must I feel so afraid to do new things? Why? Why can't I be normal?
But I guess sitting here in a ball of self-pity isn't going to help me. So I guess that's why I'm writing this blog, I need to tell people how I feel. I mean I told my sister before and she helped but, I don't know I guess Things don't work if you stop trying. I remember in 2012 when I was on holiday with my mom and gran and getting the phone call to say my brother had made a suicide attempt, all I could think is why do you have to ruin everything? Cruel huh? I mean when we got back everyone was being so nice and all I could do was criticise him. He was miserable and yet I yelled at him. He was supposed to be the happy one, the who didn't give f**k and did what he liked. He complained about his break up and how miserable he was and all I told him to was get a grip. weeks after my mom kept telling me off for shouting at him, saying that he lost everything and why can't i be nice to him? That this experience made him grow up fast. It was then that I told my mom, "yeah, well I had to that too when I was 8. I wanted to die and I even attempted, but guess what I got over it and so will he" it's safe she was surprised , it's like seriously you never noticed how depressed I was. You didn't notice how he made me feel, made me wish I was dead? no? you mean you didn't notice I had no friends, seriously? Louise noticed, and she didn't tell you? The truth is I've been depressed for so long that I don't even know when it started, I just know that I wasn't happy when I was in primary school and I haven't truly been happy since.
The people I've met on twitter help, so does the anime and manga, kind of like anti-depressants, but at the same time I know it's only temporary. The happiness I feel from manga disappears as soon as I stop reading it and the same goes for the anime and the twitter friends. Its like the other day I was looking for ways to cure depression and I read a perfect description of what it feels like.
This is one of the many reasons I have decide to go to New Zealand, I want to leave the place that made me so depressed and start a fresh some place else. I want a fresh start, but at the same time I know it's not going to be a miracle cure. Starting a fresh will just be the same, I won't know anyone and I'll be just as socially awkward as I am now. But I have to do something. I feel like I'm suffocating in this bubble and I need a way out. Any way, just an escape route. I was originally planning on going to Canada unitl the fear of not knowing anyone stopped me from doing it. That's why when I found out my Auntie had moved to New Zealand, I found hope. Then came the daunting task of asking if she'd let me visit her, at first it was only going to be for a month at most, but then I felt miserable at work and changed it to a year. However the plan is that if I like it out there and I finally become happy, I'mm going to try and stay. Maybe I'll never leave, who knows. I might even come back sooner, but honestly as of know I don't think I'll want to. Come back that is. Like I've said in other posts I hate Wales. It's given me so many scars and I don't know if they'll ever heal.
If your reading this and thinking why didn't I tell anyone that I was this miserable, well then honestly I don't know. I kinda hoped that someone would notice but I guess I'd been feeling like this for so long that they didn't notice the difference. I guess my sister noticed first and she used to tell me that I didn't need to try so hard to be happy, that it should come naturally, but it didn't and still doesn't. I guess my parents and brother noticed when I refused to go to one of my jobs one day, but I mean you'd have to have been blind not to notice it then. I was hysterical crying and panicking and I just wanted everything to stop and leave me alone. It was then that I was taken to the Doctors with my sister telling them how I'd been behaving. It's kind of hard to be told by a Doctor that they recognise you have depression, I mean I was lucky I was young as otherwise I would have been given medication. They said that due to my age they wouldn't medicate me and that I should try other ways to cure it. In the short term it kind of worked, but then it stopped working. I felt it creep back up again and again. But whenever I think of telling the Doctor again I keep thinking, that they're going to say I'm lying. But I'm not. The thought of having to tell people I'm depressed scares me. Will they treat me differently, will they think I'm suicidal or will they just looking at me with pitying stares.
Some days I'm happy and others I'm numb, I'd say it was kind of bi-polar but it's not that extreme or maybe it is and I've just not noticed. I mean some days I'm so happy, excited and hyper that it physically hurts. I want to jump about and scream "woohoo" but then i know that I can't. then the other days I just feel numb and want to destroy all the things that make me happy. Like binning my books, because people said they were childish and throwing away anime and manga and all the things I love. I regret it afterward but at the time I feel nothing. I just want it to be gone. Some days I'll buy something and love it but at the same time I know that in a few weeks the "down" day will hit and I'll bin it, but for those few weeks i just want it. I wish I could feel normal but I guess there isn't really such a thing as normal is there. hmmm maybe I'll this now. I wonder if anyone reads this, If you do and you made it to the end I hope I haven't made you feel sad. I just need to say this to someone, preferably someone I don't know.
Ok so bye bye
1.Planing my escape to New Zealand
2. Reading shoujo manga
and 3. Talking with my twitter friends.
Although these things make me happy, they've also made me realise just how bad my depression has become again. When I was my contract was ending in work I started to notice it creeping back. The anxiety and the feeling of being replaced. Some might say it was all in my head, but the truth is, I actually did get replaced in work. The girls who replaced me were happy and cheerful and kind and it just made me realise how much of a miserable person I am. I don't fit in. They would all talk about their weekends and how they went out with friends and boyfriends and all I could think is wow, i sat at home with my cat and watched anime. I really love anime but at the same time I wish I liked the same things as everyone my age does. Drinking, going out and SOCIALISING with people. But I guess I'm afraid I'll be made fun of. I don't like the same music or know any of the popular things, so it makes me feel like a 3 year old. To think when I was 8 I was so mature, then after finishing school it seemed as if I became younger and not older. I love anime characters and it annoys me. I start thinking up versions of myself and it makes me sad. I'm not pretty or thin or popular and I don't have any talents. But in my dreams I'm happy and I love the way I look. I dream that I'm blonde (cliche much I know), slim, have friends, a boyfriend and children. Yes children, I want to have a family when I grow up, I don't want to be old and alone. Kind of sad how desperate that sounds huh. I don't want to be rich, but I'd like my own house, I want to be able to drive and do normal things.
I know what your thinking after reading that and I hear it all the time. "Get out and do something" but it's not that easy. My sister always recommends things for me to do but then I think, how weird would it be for me to do these things alone? I have no one to go with. I've mastered my fear of going shopping on my own and going to the cinema but I cant make myself eat out somewhere. I panic that people are staring and laughing at me behind my back. Pretty arrogant huh? They probably don't even notice me, but still I can't do it. Sometimes it feels like I'm being crushed by my fear and it's horrible. I remember before I started my old job I couldn't talk on the phone, I would panic so much that I'd be on the verge of tears. I hated t, however in my new job I was forced to make and receive phone calls on a daily basis, so I had to get over my phobia. It took me 7 months to pluck up the courage and gain the confidence to be the one making the phone calls without preparing a script. and then when the new girls started they did it like it was nothing. I felt so pathetic I could cry. Why was it so easy for them and so hard for me? Why do I have to be afraid of people? Why can't I say what I think and do what I want? Why must I feel so afraid to do new things? Why? Why can't I be normal?
But I guess sitting here in a ball of self-pity isn't going to help me. So I guess that's why I'm writing this blog, I need to tell people how I feel. I mean I told my sister before and she helped but, I don't know I guess Things don't work if you stop trying. I remember in 2012 when I was on holiday with my mom and gran and getting the phone call to say my brother had made a suicide attempt, all I could think is why do you have to ruin everything? Cruel huh? I mean when we got back everyone was being so nice and all I could do was criticise him. He was miserable and yet I yelled at him. He was supposed to be the happy one, the who didn't give f**k and did what he liked. He complained about his break up and how miserable he was and all I told him to was get a grip. weeks after my mom kept telling me off for shouting at him, saying that he lost everything and why can't i be nice to him? That this experience made him grow up fast. It was then that I told my mom, "yeah, well I had to that too when I was 8. I wanted to die and I even attempted, but guess what I got over it and so will he" it's safe she was surprised , it's like seriously you never noticed how depressed I was. You didn't notice how he made me feel, made me wish I was dead? no? you mean you didn't notice I had no friends, seriously? Louise noticed, and she didn't tell you? The truth is I've been depressed for so long that I don't even know when it started, I just know that I wasn't happy when I was in primary school and I haven't truly been happy since.
The people I've met on twitter help, so does the anime and manga, kind of like anti-depressants, but at the same time I know it's only temporary. The happiness I feel from manga disappears as soon as I stop reading it and the same goes for the anime and the twitter friends. Its like the other day I was looking for ways to cure depression and I read a perfect description of what it feels like.
"You know when the water in the pool is cold but not so
cold that you wont get used to it once you are in? If yes you probably have
been in this situation where you are standing at the edge of the pool wanting
to go in but something is holding you back. All your friends in the pool have
fun, you have been trough this a thousand times and you know everything will be
okay once you are in but still something inside you makes it hard for you to
jump into the pool.
Depression is like that just with every single thing you
do."
This is one of the many reasons I have decide to go to New Zealand, I want to leave the place that made me so depressed and start a fresh some place else. I want a fresh start, but at the same time I know it's not going to be a miracle cure. Starting a fresh will just be the same, I won't know anyone and I'll be just as socially awkward as I am now. But I have to do something. I feel like I'm suffocating in this bubble and I need a way out. Any way, just an escape route. I was originally planning on going to Canada unitl the fear of not knowing anyone stopped me from doing it. That's why when I found out my Auntie had moved to New Zealand, I found hope. Then came the daunting task of asking if she'd let me visit her, at first it was only going to be for a month at most, but then I felt miserable at work and changed it to a year. However the plan is that if I like it out there and I finally become happy, I'mm going to try and stay. Maybe I'll never leave, who knows. I might even come back sooner, but honestly as of know I don't think I'll want to. Come back that is. Like I've said in other posts I hate Wales. It's given me so many scars and I don't know if they'll ever heal.
If your reading this and thinking why didn't I tell anyone that I was this miserable, well then honestly I don't know. I kinda hoped that someone would notice but I guess I'd been feeling like this for so long that they didn't notice the difference. I guess my sister noticed first and she used to tell me that I didn't need to try so hard to be happy, that it should come naturally, but it didn't and still doesn't. I guess my parents and brother noticed when I refused to go to one of my jobs one day, but I mean you'd have to have been blind not to notice it then. I was hysterical crying and panicking and I just wanted everything to stop and leave me alone. It was then that I was taken to the Doctors with my sister telling them how I'd been behaving. It's kind of hard to be told by a Doctor that they recognise you have depression, I mean I was lucky I was young as otherwise I would have been given medication. They said that due to my age they wouldn't medicate me and that I should try other ways to cure it. In the short term it kind of worked, but then it stopped working. I felt it creep back up again and again. But whenever I think of telling the Doctor again I keep thinking, that they're going to say I'm lying. But I'm not. The thought of having to tell people I'm depressed scares me. Will they treat me differently, will they think I'm suicidal or will they just looking at me with pitying stares.
Some days I'm happy and others I'm numb, I'd say it was kind of bi-polar but it's not that extreme or maybe it is and I've just not noticed. I mean some days I'm so happy, excited and hyper that it physically hurts. I want to jump about and scream "woohoo" but then i know that I can't. then the other days I just feel numb and want to destroy all the things that make me happy. Like binning my books, because people said they were childish and throwing away anime and manga and all the things I love. I regret it afterward but at the time I feel nothing. I just want it to be gone. Some days I'll buy something and love it but at the same time I know that in a few weeks the "down" day will hit and I'll bin it, but for those few weeks i just want it. I wish I could feel normal but I guess there isn't really such a thing as normal is there. hmmm maybe I'll this now. I wonder if anyone reads this, If you do and you made it to the end I hope I haven't made you feel sad. I just need to say this to someone, preferably someone I don't know.
Ok so bye bye
Tuesday 24 December 2013
Weekly Recommendations - Week One
Okay so I went from no posts, to overkill with the posts, but trust me this is my last one for now, ..... ok so that was lie.
On to the post. I've decided to do Weekly recommendations. Anime, manga, songs, movies, books, Tv Shows etc...
So here we go
WEEKLY RECOMMENDATIONS - WEEK 1
Anime - Kyoukai no Kanata - Complete
Taken from Wikipedia - The Plot - One day, high school student Akihito Kanbara instinctively goes to save his fellow schoolmate, Mirai Kuriyama from committing suicide. Following his pleas, Mirai suddenly stabs Akihito with a sword formed out of her own blood and is shocked to discover that Akihito is an immortal "half-youmu"—the offspring of a supernatural creature called a youmu and a human. After learning that Mirai is a Spirit World Warrior (異界士 Ikaishi?)—specialists who protect humans from being affected by youmu—and the last surviving member of her spirit hunting clan, their lives become intertwined as Akihito seeks to help Mirai gain the confidence to kill youmu so that she may stop attempting to kill him as practice.
Manga - Last Game - Ongoing
Taken from Mangafox - The Plot - Yanagi's dad is a president of a large hotel, he himself is handsome and clever, always wins the favor among girls. Moreover, he's always on the top of class and champions in all sports meetings when he was in primary school. But after he met Kujou, a transfered student, he had never savored the taste of victory in any single match with this girl for ten years. "Let's bid for final victory, Kujou." There here comes the last game. Will Yanagi fall in love with Kujou while he hates his competitor but cares so much about this girl?
Song - Monster - Rihanna and Eminem
Movie - The bridge on the river Kwai
I watch this film every year at Christmas, I don't know why but I guess it's kind of become a tradition with me and my parents. We also watch Zullu every year as well :D Love a good old fashioned war movie. The movie is a prisoner of war movie.
Book - Thud! by Terry Pratchett
Taken from the back of the book - THUD! Koom Valley? That was where the trolls ambushed the dwarfs, or the dwarfs ambushed the trolls. It was far away. It was a long time ago. But if he doesn't solve the murder of just one dwarf, Commander Sam Vimes of Ankh-Morpork City Watch is going to see the battle fought again, right outside his office. With his beloved Watch crumbling around him and war-drums sounding, he must unravel every clue, outwit every assassin and brave any darkness to find the solution. And darkness is following him.
Game - Pokemon X
Not much I have to say about this game, other than it's a brilliant addition to the Pokemon game franchise. I love it.
And finally
TV Show - Witches of East End
Not much to say about it other than it's well worth watching if you love witches ans Asgardian folk tales (no Thor, sorry)
I hope you like my recommendations, feel free to leave me a message if you try any of the above, I'd love to hear your opinions. :D Okay bye bye now :3
On to the post. I've decided to do Weekly recommendations. Anime, manga, songs, movies, books, Tv Shows etc...
So here we go
WEEKLY RECOMMENDATIONS - WEEK 1
Anime - Kyoukai no Kanata - Complete
Taken from Wikipedia - The Plot - One day, high school student Akihito Kanbara instinctively goes to save his fellow schoolmate, Mirai Kuriyama from committing suicide. Following his pleas, Mirai suddenly stabs Akihito with a sword formed out of her own blood and is shocked to discover that Akihito is an immortal "half-youmu"—the offspring of a supernatural creature called a youmu and a human. After learning that Mirai is a Spirit World Warrior (異界士 Ikaishi?)—specialists who protect humans from being affected by youmu—and the last surviving member of her spirit hunting clan, their lives become intertwined as Akihito seeks to help Mirai gain the confidence to kill youmu so that she may stop attempting to kill him as practice.
Manga - Last Game - Ongoing
Taken from Mangafox - The Plot - Yanagi's dad is a president of a large hotel, he himself is handsome and clever, always wins the favor among girls. Moreover, he's always on the top of class and champions in all sports meetings when he was in primary school. But after he met Kujou, a transfered student, he had never savored the taste of victory in any single match with this girl for ten years. "Let's bid for final victory, Kujou." There here comes the last game. Will Yanagi fall in love with Kujou while he hates his competitor but cares so much about this girl?
Song - Monster - Rihanna and Eminem
- May contain spoilers to Kyoukai no Kanata so be warned.
Movie - The bridge on the river Kwai
I watch this film every year at Christmas, I don't know why but I guess it's kind of become a tradition with me and my parents. We also watch Zullu every year as well :D Love a good old fashioned war movie. The movie is a prisoner of war movie.
Book - Thud! by Terry Pratchett
Taken from the back of the book - THUD! Koom Valley? That was where the trolls ambushed the dwarfs, or the dwarfs ambushed the trolls. It was far away. It was a long time ago. But if he doesn't solve the murder of just one dwarf, Commander Sam Vimes of Ankh-Morpork City Watch is going to see the battle fought again, right outside his office. With his beloved Watch crumbling around him and war-drums sounding, he must unravel every clue, outwit every assassin and brave any darkness to find the solution. And darkness is following him.
Game - Pokemon X
And finally
TV Show - Witches of East End
I hope you like my recommendations, feel free to leave me a message if you try any of the above, I'd love to hear your opinions. :D Okay bye bye now :3
Bored
You know when I first heard about blogs I guess i was a
little naive. I thought that if I started one, I'd get a lot of followers. But
it never happened, don't get me wrong I love that I have 7 followers :3 what
with 7 being my favourite number an all. but still it didn't happen how I
thought it would.
I thought I'd have a lot of fun and interesting things to
say, but the truth is i don't. I find it hard thinking up things to post about,
so I end up forgetting about it. I mean I watch "famous" YouTubers
and think wow, I wonder what it would be like to have their life for the day.
They always seem to be doing amazing things and I guess I'm jealous. They seem
to have everything handed to them on silver platters but then again I guess
that's just the way I see it. The truth is they probably work hard to get everything
and yet it seems so easy.
I used to want to be like them then suddenly one day it hit
me. They're using YouTube as a business, they get paid and it’s their job.
You'd have thought I already knew that but I didn't. Now when I look back on
the videos I used to love all I see is an incredible marketing plot, by sending
stuff to the YouTubers companies know that they'll make money of the viewers
who aspire to be like their YouTube idols. I have to admit that I’ve fallen for
it to. The other day when I was in Tesco I bought Coconut water and when my mom
asked me why I bought it I said "I saw a person on YouTube drink and they
said it was good". Truth? It tasted disgusting, and yet I bought it again,
because of that YouTuber. Wow I must sound so cynical right now. :/
Ok so moving and getting back to the main point I was trying
to make. What on earth do people talk about on here? I mean, I have a pretty
normal life yet at the same time I have nothing to write about. I could do
anime and manga reviews but I'm kind of rubbish at it. I remember I tried
reviewing Bleach once and my friend told me it was rubbish. Don't get me wrong,
she was right, about the review not the anime. The anime is brilliant,
fantastic even, it's just I couldn't put it into words just how amazing it was.
So yeah, no go. I might do my song of the day/week thing that I did a couple of
years ago, but then again that’s not really interesting. hmm
.
. .
. . .
What should i write about? I could ask my twitter friends,
but then again I don't want to seem forced to write about things I don't care
about, not that I don't care about my twitter friends, I'm just worried I might
not agree with their suggestions.
Monday 23 December 2013
Holidays
I've realised that I only ever seem to post on here when I'm feeling depressed, which isn't good. So from now on I'm going to try and blog more often and hopefully I won't have as many negative posts.
Aside from that I've realised that the only way I'm going to get the life I want is to take action and make it happen. This is one of the reasons for me going to New Zealand next year. My plan is that if I leave the place full of all my negative memories I'll be able to start a fresh and maybe begin a new life. Even if I don't end up staying in New Zealand I think the experience will be good for me.
The only downside to New Zealand is not only do I have to leave my cat Jerry behind but I've recently found out that I know have to leave my phone behind. :,( noo I'm going to miss having an iPhone. Though saying that I might buy an iPad mini to take with me, so it won't be so bad. I'll be taking my kindle as well but not the kindle fire ( I have no idea how to use it :,( I blame my mom for making me get it).
Speaking of New Zealand, I was planning on doing a series of Vlogs explaining the process of getting a Working holiday Visa, but maybe I'll do some Blog posts instead. I'd have a step by step process with pictures which would be a lot better than listening to me stumble over my words. I'll also have blog posts of what I'm packing in my hand luggage and all of my other carry on items. I won't show my main case as it'll mainly be clothes and shoes.
Hmm I wonder if more people will read this then, I'll probably have to lay of the depressing posts.
So anyway the holidays are upon us and it'll be Christmas soon. I can't wait! Heh ¬.¬'' , once Christmas and new years out of the way it'll be 31 days till I leave. Yay, I can't wait.
Aside from that I've realised that the only way I'm going to get the life I want is to take action and make it happen. This is one of the reasons for me going to New Zealand next year. My plan is that if I leave the place full of all my negative memories I'll be able to start a fresh and maybe begin a new life. Even if I don't end up staying in New Zealand I think the experience will be good for me.
The only downside to New Zealand is not only do I have to leave my cat Jerry behind but I've recently found out that I know have to leave my phone behind. :,( noo I'm going to miss having an iPhone. Though saying that I might buy an iPad mini to take with me, so it won't be so bad. I'll be taking my kindle as well but not the kindle fire ( I have no idea how to use it :,( I blame my mom for making me get it).
Speaking of New Zealand, I was planning on doing a series of Vlogs explaining the process of getting a Working holiday Visa, but maybe I'll do some Blog posts instead. I'd have a step by step process with pictures which would be a lot better than listening to me stumble over my words. I'll also have blog posts of what I'm packing in my hand luggage and all of my other carry on items. I won't show my main case as it'll mainly be clothes and shoes.
Hmm I wonder if more people will read this then, I'll probably have to lay of the depressing posts.
So anyway the holidays are upon us and it'll be Christmas soon. I can't wait! Heh ¬.¬'' , once Christmas and new years out of the way it'll be 31 days till I leave. Yay, I can't wait.
Wednesday 18 December 2013
Brighter Note
Okay so moving on from my last post, I have a few things I'd like to mention.
Over the past year or so I have been fortunate to have been able to meet and work with some of the nicest people. They made me feel welcome in the workplace and helped me to overcome my anxiety and depression. They allowed me to be myself and never made fun of my hobbies and obsessions *cough* *cough* Batman *cough* The Hobbit* whoa talk about bad cough there :3
I have also been able to talk to or should i say tweet one of the people I follow on YouTube. Through talking with her I have been able to meet new people (admittedly only online) and make some new friends. This person hasn't done much, just kindly replying to my weird and random messages, but it has helped me to become happier. I admit I probably annoy her and to that I appologise (I doubt she'll read this but hey.). So I can safely say that having internet friends is just as good as having regular ones.
The last thing i'd like to say is
NEW ZEALAND!!
Okay so i'm not sure if you got that in case you didn't here it is again.
NEW ZEALAND!!
So I guess you saw it that time? right? In less than 2 months I will be moving to New Zealand, YAY! Well I say moving, it's only for a year. I have a years working holiday visa so I plan on staying with my Auntie for the next year and I can't wait. I've been waiting for this opportunity to escape Wales since I was 8. Yes that's right I said ESCAPE. I've hated living in Wales and now finally after 13 years of waiting I finally get to leave, even though it's only for a year I can't wait. My mom keeps asking if I'm sure I want to go and I have to stop my self from screaming "Yes, I'm going, Finally Yes". I cannot wait, I wish I could go tomorrow. Though there is one thing I'm scared about, and that's the almost 24 hour flight (12 hour and 9 hour) :,( The worst part about it is I'm going to be on my own and I'm slightly petrified of being trapped on a plane for that long. :'( But I can't tell my mum this as she'll try to make me stay, and I don't want to do that. So that's all I can say for now, except I will be leaving the UK on February 3rd.
Bye bye
Leigh . . . ^-^*
Over the past year or so I have been fortunate to have been able to meet and work with some of the nicest people. They made me feel welcome in the workplace and helped me to overcome my anxiety and depression. They allowed me to be myself and never made fun of my hobbies and obsessions *cough* *cough* Batman *cough* The Hobbit* whoa talk about bad cough there :3
I have also been able to talk to or should i say tweet one of the people I follow on YouTube. Through talking with her I have been able to meet new people (admittedly only online) and make some new friends. This person hasn't done much, just kindly replying to my weird and random messages, but it has helped me to become happier. I admit I probably annoy her and to that I appologise (I doubt she'll read this but hey.). So I can safely say that having internet friends is just as good as having regular ones.
The last thing i'd like to say is
NEW ZEALAND!!
Okay so i'm not sure if you got that in case you didn't here it is again.
NEW ZEALAND!!
So I guess you saw it that time? right? In less than 2 months I will be moving to New Zealand, YAY! Well I say moving, it's only for a year. I have a years working holiday visa so I plan on staying with my Auntie for the next year and I can't wait. I've been waiting for this opportunity to escape Wales since I was 8. Yes that's right I said ESCAPE. I've hated living in Wales and now finally after 13 years of waiting I finally get to leave, even though it's only for a year I can't wait. My mom keeps asking if I'm sure I want to go and I have to stop my self from screaming "Yes, I'm going, Finally Yes". I cannot wait, I wish I could go tomorrow. Though there is one thing I'm scared about, and that's the almost 24 hour flight (12 hour and 9 hour) :,( The worst part about it is I'm going to be on my own and I'm slightly petrified of being trapped on a plane for that long. :'( But I can't tell my mum this as she'll try to make me stay, and I don't want to do that. So that's all I can say for now, except I will be leaving the UK on February 3rd.
Bye bye
Leigh . . . ^-^*
Update and reason for my blog!
I can't believe how long it's been since i last wrote on here, it's shocking. When I first started this blog in 2009 I had hoped that I would update regularly and by this time I'd have thousands of blog posts, and yet I only have 13 well 14 if you include this one. I thought that if i had a blog I'd be able to write about all the amazing things that I did, except I never did, any amazing things that is.
My first goal was to make friends as someone who had recently been cut off from her friends I was lonely and a little depressed ( okay so maybe it was more that a little) and I wanted people to talk to. I know people would say go join a club or go out with your friends, have fun. But how can you do that when you have no friends. My brother didn't understand he was popular and everyone loved him, my sister well she had her boyfriend, her son plus she had her friends so she didn't understand either. I used to find talking to people really hard and no matter how hard I tried to talk loudly nobody heard, and they would walk away. To me I was shouting and to them I was barely whispering. New situations scared me and the thought of meeting new people filled me with dread. I hated talking on the phone, the very thought of having to phone someone (even family) made me want to cry. I used to panic and think people would think I was weird, as sometimes I found it difficult to talk and forget words. It embarrassed me and made me feel so stupid.
But that wasn't all of my problems. i never thought the same way that people my age thought, I always seemed to get along better with people who were younger than me. Which is weird considering when I was 8 I was the one who told people in my class where babies came from and preferred to read Cosmo and Elle and grown-up magazines like that. I loved make-up, doing my nails and my hair. But the one thing that was different then compared to when I started this blog at 16 was, back then I liked my own company. I was bullied in school and felt I didn't fit in. I hated this country that my parents had moved us to, (not that I remember South Africa much) I used to wish we could go home, but it never happened. Whenever my mom used to say that we were moving back, i'd get so happy, I was finally going to be free of this hell. but time and time again my mom would say the plans off we're staying here. I'd be devastated each time, Hoping that maybe this time she actually means it, but she never did.
Growing up in Wales as a foreigner was hard, the kids in my school were horrible and I used to wish I could disappear. It's sad that the age of 8 I wanted to die. I used to think that it would be so easy, all I had to do was step off that pavement out into the traffic, I used to have to force myself to stop and walk normally. Taking pills, hanging myself, drowning and cutting my wrists, I used to think about it all the time. Wouldn't it be better if the ground would open up and swallow me whole, to be dead and free from their torment. I'd tried drowning myself on multiple occasions, by trying to fall asleep whilst in the bath so i wouldn't feel it, other times and shove my face in a sink of water and pray that it'd work but it never did. Pills? I would have done except my parents never kept them in the house, only a few things but not enough to do any harm. The thing that scared me the most about suicide was not the dying and having my parents find me, it was the thought of what if I fail? What then? Would people look at me differently? Would they think I was crazy? or Would they understand that I hurt and wanted it to stop? I don't know when I stopped trying, but I know that I've only recently discovered what true happiness is. Back then I couldn't tell you what happy meant, I still couldn't tell you know, but I'm trying. I remember telling my sister that I was trying to be happy and she told me she knew, but did she really mean it or was she trying to stop me from going over the edge.
I guess your thinking what could be so bad as to make an eight year suicidal right? Honestly I couldn't tell you. It was the small things they said and did day after day. 'Grinch' and 'Witch' were the names the called me. "Go back to your own country", " Go back so you can get killed to" and that wasn't the worst, When my cousin Christina died, they laughed and joked about it. At that moment I died a little inside, from then on I stopped trying to be their friend, I didn't want to be like them. They were racist and cruel. They used to think they were so fantastic and that being Welsh made them Gods. But from my experience and from what other members of my family had to go through, I can safely say I'd rather be dead that call myself Welsh.
The Welsh made me miserable and lonely. They also made me (in the words of my moms friend) "afraid of people". I was constantly worrying about what people thought and it made me anxious. I know I've always been a quiet person but when I'm with people I know I'm loud and speak my mind. After secondary school that changed, I was quiet even with family and more so in college. I looked afraid all the time and I hated it.
When I started college I though things would change, I would be happy and I'd have friends. But yes you guessed it, it didn't happen. When I went into my Geography lecture I found I was in the same class as my former best-friend. I thought that maybe if we talked we could go back to being friends, instead she ignored me. Every time I tried to talk to her it was like speaking to a brick wall, she didn't reply to anything I said. It was made worse when I found out I was in the sames classes as some of my other former-friends, In someways that was okay, because at least they talked to me. but then I'd hear them talk about me in the corridor as I walked passed and it hurt. We used to be friends and then we were nothing. I used to hide in the library in between lectures and brought my own food so that I never had to go to the canteen. Eventually I made a few friends but then my old ones got in the way and eventually I was on my own again.
After that I quit college and signed up for an Army prep course that by one remaining (kind of sad huh) friend had just finished. She looked so happy whilst on the course that I thought (rather stupidly) that if I went on it, I too would be happy, but it didn't work out. After that I went on a work scheme, where you tried a job for 8 weeks and had the opportunity to gain some low level qualifications whilst you worked. In some ways it was the turning point in my life but in others it was terrible.
The first placement i went to was in a Nursery day center. The job wasn't bad and I enjoyed looking after the children. The problem however was the fact that the place was short staffed and they expected us (the 3 of us there on work experience) to look after the children, your probably thinking "isn't that what you were there to do?" In some ways yes and others no. The staff would either be in the office, staff room or the kitchen, which meant that the children ( some as young as 9 months) were left alone with us. Bearing in min the oldest out of the three of us was only 17. It was a horrific experience to be suddenly made responsible for them at 16. I remember the day one of the babies (1 yr old) fell and I told staff. They had a go at me because I apparently hadn't checked to see if he had any injuries properly. I mean what was I meant to do, I didn't know what to do. They should have been there with me supervising, but they weren't. After that I finished and went onto another placement. Fortunately it wasn't childcare. that incident has scarred me for life.
Okay, so that's it. Part of my life story at least, maybe I'll write more another time, but at the moment thinking back on when I was younger is hard, it makes me sad. I wish I could erase that part of my life, but I guess in some ways it's whats made me the person I am today. Hopefully good, stronger and maybe a little bit happier.
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