☆〜 Change of pace 〜☆

Okay, so my next couple of posts are going to be a little different. I'm going to talk about 3 things that I have been loving recently. Something simple, so don't expect too much okay? I'm not the greatest at describing things so hopefully I'll be able to work something out :3
Constructive criticism is always welcome but please don't be rude. :)

Me as an anime character :3

Something a little lighter for a change :3

Blah blah Random thoughts

When I look back on the world from when i was younger I see that all though I know see it differently, not much has changed. People or should I say the people around me haven't changed and sometimes I think maybe that's a good thing but then I remember that change is what allows a person to grow. It moves you forward in life ever closer to the greatest goals and desires of your heart. Then I sit and think, Have I changed? Have I moved forward or am I still the same person I was all those years ago. Yes, I'd love to yes I have changed that I have become stronger, braver and more confident. However there are still days when I think nothings changed. How do you know if you've changed and how do you know if that's a good thing? I always sit and think what would my life be like if I acted the way I do in my day dreams. Would things be different, would I be happier? But those are the things I'll never know.

I guess in some ways I have changed, I have begun to open up to people more by letting them know about how I feel and all the pain that I've been carrying for most of my life. It was hard and it still is but I'm getting there. I'm just so afraid that people will look at me differently and speak to me as if I were made of glass that could shatter at any moment. I know how hard it is to try and talk to someone who isn't happy but at the same time the only reason I find it difficult is simply due to the fact that I don't want them to question me the same way. But I guess that's life, a series of unfortunate events that no one can control, all you can do is control how it affects your life and what you do with the pain/grief or the knowledge it gives you. But that's not to say that all bad things happen to hurt you, sometimes one door has to close so that another can open.

So where do we go from here? On-wards and up-wards that's where. Or at least that's where I hope to go. At the start of last year I made a decision that has since changed my life, at first it seemed to the worst decision of my life, but now when I look back I can see that it truly was the greatest choice that I've made so far. I'm guessing your wondering what this great change might have been. To put it simply " I escaped Wales". Yes that's right I ESCAPED!! For most of my life I have lived in Wales and I have hated it. To me it's the source of my misery, the people the places and even the culture. I know it's not wise to lump everyone together in one boat but I can honestly say that since I've left Wales I have felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders. My heart is lighter and I have finally started to truly fell happy. Happy?? this is something that if you asked me about last year, I could honestly say that I have never truly experienced. Sad right? 

When I arrived in New Zealand the euphoria I felt from no longer being in Wales is what fueled me to keep going for the first two weeks. But then things changed, I noticed that my happiness was slipping, and it was going fast. My anxiety came back and it was worse than ever, it was so bad that I suffered 3 mini/mild panic attacks. It was horrible to suddenly be unable to breathe, feeling a pain that isn't real and just wishing I could die, anything to make it stop. New Zealand was supposed to be my miracle cure, a way to make all of the pain and the hurt disappear, but guess what, it didn't, it came with me. I'd read online that this would happen, but I guess I was naive. I hoped and prayed that things would be different, but they weren't and in some ways they were worse. I felt trapped, as if I was suffocating in a home that was supposed to be my safe haven.  

As you might already know on the 30th March 2014 I attempted to commit suicide, yes that's right I took an overdose and tried to end it all. The pain I felt was so strong that I just wanted it to stop. I guess in reality I didn't think about it that much. I just got a glass of water, took the pills and went to sleep. Okay so technically speaking I've missed out a bit in the middle, but I don't want to go into that. So basically the long and the short of it is, I did something stupid. To me it was stupid, but that doesn't mean to say that I'm happy with others calling my decision stupid. Kind of pathetic right? I can say it but you can't. But then again I've always said I was a hypocrite. 

So where do I go from here. Literally speaking I went to the hospital, which might I add was the worst part of the whole experience. As I've said before dying is easy, living is the hard part. Knowing that I had to walk into a hospital and tell a nurse and a doctor and countless other medical professionals what I had done filled me with fear. I have never cried so much in my life, I was mortified and horrified that one of my worst fears had come true. That fear was to put in hospital due to my depression, it was something I feared since I was a child, that one people would find out and I would have to be admitted to the psych ward and I'd never be able to leave. So I guess in some ways my fear didn't come true. I was admitted into the acute injuries ward and had to undergo a few tests. Then I had to wait a while for my blood tests to come back and for the observations to end. I was watched constantly and I had to repeat what had happened several times. i admit the staff were kind and compassionate but I felt like a child, like they were speaking to me as if they were expecting me to freak out at any moment and have a complete meltdown. It made me feel uncomfortable and it honestly made me wish I had died. I didn't want to see the looks on their faces, the look that you'd give a broken toy, the look of pity or hopelessness. The worst came from the people I thought I could trust, and that hurt more than you can ever imagine. 

So on the day I was admitted to hospital, something changed and it was this change that has since made my life worth living. The change, I met someone, not a romantic someone but a new friend. I'd been introduced to her before but I honestly didn't think we'd ever be friends. That was until on the 31st March she showed up at the hospital. I'd just finished having my compulsory psych evaluation when she walked in. She was in tears when she gave me a hug. It was that moment when it truly sunk in what I had done. The moment when a pretty much complete stranger cried for me someone they knew nothing about. It hurt, but not for the reasons you'd expect. It hurt because here was a stranger feeling pain and shedding tears for me when the woman I once called family was sitting next to me only thinking of how this was going to make her look. How it was going to affect her status and peoples opinion of her. She didn't care how much I hurt as long as people thought she was a good person, that it didn't affect her relationship with my parents.

So yes, In case your wondering who this woman is, her name is Jenny. she has since become a great friend and confident to me. She welcomed me into her home and into her family and I cannot thank her enough for all she has done for me. She was the one who showed me that I have a reason to live. That my life is worth living. If your wondering how she did this, it's simple. She became my friend, she treated me like I was a regular person. She spoke to me as if today had never happened and most of all she was kind. Kind in the simplest of ways. She smiled, and made me feel human at a time when I felt like an empty shell. I have since in a way become a part of her family. She includes me on family days out and I have come to feel at home with her family. They are some of the most amazing people I have ever met, her husband, her sons, her niece and her nephew. Through them I have been able to meet and become friends with more people and I will be forever grateful of the day that I met her as I don't think I would be the person I am today had I not met her.

So what's happened since then. Well where should I start. .

this is going to be a long journey so I guess I'll stop here. I'll continue to update this eventually but not right now. I feel I've written a lot as it is and I have bared it all to you and I'm just too numb inside right now to continue. That's not to say I'm not happy, it's just it's hard to be happy when I remember these things.

I just hope that none of my family or the people I've met in New Zealand sees this. :/

Reality

Wow, so looking back on my old posts is weird. Whenever I re-read these posts it feels as if I am reading someone else's blog. I always seem so disconnected to what I write. Oh well . . . I don't have a lot to discuss so I'm going to go now but I'm hoping to update this blog every few weeks.

SOOOOOO HAPPY

Wahahahahaahaha I'm so excited!! I've made some plans to meet up some new friends woohoo :3 A day out hunting with Seth and Jenny and then a movie marathon day with Sara, I'm not sure who else will be there with her though XD I'm so happy :)

I just need to plan some more things to do so that I can get to know them better. I have 3 months left in New Zealand but that could potentially change to being 8 months XD I'd just need to work out my accommodation and work. I'm so glad to feeling myself again, I'm loving movies and music again so I'm feeling awesome XD

But I have to say that I never knew having a crush on someone could be so hard :,) especially seeing as I'm such a shy person. How to I get to know them better and become close to them? I know trying too hard is not going to work as I have to be myself but yeah I'm totally not experienced in this department but that's okay I can only try my best and hope for a good result. Hopefully things will fall into place :D Fingers crossed, wish me luck :3

The truth

On the 30th March 2014 I attempted to commit suicide. Recently due to a chain of events I'm starting to think 'would it have been better if I had died?' I took an overdose but clearly I didn't take enough as i ended up being perfectly fine. Sometimes I wish I was dead, but then I think of my friends and family who'd be sad. It's one of the only reasons I haven't tried again. That and the fear that it won't work again. Dying isn't the hard part, surviving is :,(

New Zealand Trip - Part 1

Ok so where should I start? At the beginning I guess. SO on the 5^th February 2014 I arrived in New Zealand, a little jet lagged but so happy and excited. The first day here I was shown around the town and got to have a quick look at what the town was like. It was nice, a little quiet, but hey it’s not Wales right??

So then on my first full day here I found myself with nothing to do. I was taken to a market festival during lunch which was nice but it was over pretty quickly and I found I had gone back to having nothing to do. This is what the first couple of weeks were like, admittedly I was taken to get a new phone and to get a bank account but nothing really happened. 

Then almost two weeks later things changed, my aunt’s new husbands niece came back to stay with them so things became a lot more interesting in the house. Introducing Little Miss Robyn. At first I wasn’t sure what to make of her as I’d heard stories from my aunt and she didn’t exactly paint a good impression of Robyn. I didn’t want to be the annoying relative that she was forced to be friends with. I also thought that seeing as she’s older we wouldn’t have much to talk about. But guess what? I was wrong.

Meeting Robyn turned out to be one of the best things that has happened to me since coming to New Zealand. It gave me the opportunity to speak to someone and be honest with myself about how I truly felt. This is because she didn’t judge me and I could pretty much say whatever was on my mind, even if it cause a few weird looks. It was good to be able to be myself around such a happy and confident person. She made me feel more confident and brave I guess you could say.

Robyn was the one who helped me to get a job here, she set up the meeting and I went and got signed up for work. She was also the one who helped to do my first bit of travelling since being here. We went to Queenstown and it was an amazing experience for me, you’d have to ask Robyn for her opinion, but I think she enjoyed it too. In order to get to Queenstown I had to purchase bus tickets online, however as I did and still don’t have a debit card I wasn’t able to. In comes Robyn, she let me use her card so that I could pay for bus tickets and accommodation. I transferred the money to her and she entered her details. Job done, yay. Robyn offered, my aunt did not :\

Not long after Robyn arrived, her and my aunt had a falling out which resulted in Robyn moving out. When this happened I was upset as I couldn’t figure out what she was supposed to have done to make my aunt hate her so much. Yes my aunt does hate her, she tells me so pretty much every time she ever mentions Robyn. She’s on a “Make Leigh hate Robyn” campaign at the moment but that’s another story.

So lets talk about Queenstown. It was great, admittedly the long bus journey there was so damn boring, but it was worth it. The first night we arrived in QT (QT-Queenstown) late at night so we checked into the hostel, put our bags away and then went out for dinner. We had thai food and what I ordered was damn hot that I couldn’t eat it :,). After that we went back to our dorm/room and went to sleep.

The next day we were up early to catch the bus to do the Milford Sound tour. It was another long drive but yet again it was worth it. The views on the way down were amazing and I wish I could have taken better photos but unfortunately I’m crap at photography so that didn’t happen :,). When we arrived at Milford Sound to the cruise I was amazed that there could such a beautiful place tucked away here in NZ. The cruise that we went on was short, about an hour and a half, but it was filled with breath-taking views and it was simply amazing. I took lots of pictures but as I’m not great at photography they didn’t all turn out great, but that’s okay at least I tried, right?

So day 3 of QT, not much happened, we had a browse through the shops and got to have a look at the beautiful scenery around the town, it was a good day. The one thing that sticks in my mind though is when we went to price up some adrenaline things for Robyn. We went to a place called Peter Pans and asked about the different things. We ended up deciding to do the Shotover Canyon swing, or should I say I decided to do it. I kind of didn’t give Robyn much of a choice, I told her that she’s doing it as I wanted to and I wasn’t going to do it alone. XD So after we’d booked it we were able to relax for the rest of the evening.  We went on a self-made mini pub crawl, which was a lot of fun. We went into a bar that was pretty much inside of a freezer, Minus 5 and boy did it live up to its name. We were given warm coats to wear and gloves. It was great, we stayed and had 2 vodka cocktails each before moving onto the next place. So that’s pretty much how we spent our night. :3

On the day of the canyon swing, I was so nervous that I woke up every hour starting at 5 and finishing at 10. All the while Robyn was still all cwtched up in bed sleeping peacefully. As I was awake and bored and I didn’t really want to wake her up, I got up showered, and went for a short walk. By the time I got back to the room, she was awake and it was almost time for us to head over to the meet up point for the canyon swing. The actual canyon swing was one of the scariest and most amazing things I have ever done in my life and I’m so thankful to Robyn for being there and helping me to do it. I know for a fact that I wouldn’t have done it if she hadn’t been there. I have photos and a video of the event, which I won’t be sharing because I don’t think Robyn would be too happy with it lol, plus  I screamed like a baby so it’s kind of embarrassing for me. Haha

So that’s pretty much it for the Queenstown trip. After we got back to Ashburton we parted ways and I’ll admit I got upset, At the house, not when I said goodbye to Robyn. Kind of pathetic right? I was just sad that Robyn was all the way on the other side of town and that I wasn’t able to speak to her as easily as I used to , when she was living with us. I got a little depressed but it was sorted the next day :,) I was able to talk to Robyn and clear the air so to speak.

So for the next couple of weeks I wasn’t able to speak to Robyn much and this made me upset. It made me think how can I be so upset over someone I’ve only just met, It’s kind of weird. So on the 20^th March We met up for one last meal in NZ, Robyn was flying home the next day and I wanted to be able to say goodbye. I was working in the day and was almost in tears when I was told we had to work late as I was so afraid that I wouldn’t be able to see Robyn before she left. Fortunately I was able to meet up with her. We had a meal and went out for a drink and we were able to have a really long chat which was good. When it came to saying goodbye, I didn’t want Robyn to go. I understand that she had already been in NZ for 10 months and that she wanted to see her family, I guess I was selfish but I wanted her to stay. On the way back to the house, she walked me halfway back, I kept looking behind me as I was afraid that when I did I’d find that she had disappeared. But she didn’t, halfway to the house we stopped, had a hug and ended up talking more before one last hug and parting ways. On the way back to the house I was devastated that she was going, it hurt and I can’t say why but it just did. When I got in the house, My aunt asked why I was so upset, and all I could say was “Because I don’t want Robyn to go” before starting to cry so I left the room and went and had a good cry in my room :,) I found that the way my aunt reacted was pretty cold, which made things worse. She could have at least pretended to care.

So after the realisation that Robyn was gone, back home, I found myself in tears every time someone mentioned her not being here.  It took me a while to get used to, which is weird because like I said I’d only known her for little over a month but her absence left a big void that was hard to cope with. It was made worse then, when my aunt would change the subject or stop talking whenever I mentioned Robyn’s name. It was almost as if it was a taboo subject, which I found hard. Especially seeing as I only ever seem to talk about Robyn, or so I’ve been told haha lol

So yes, that’s about as far as I’m going to for now. I have more to say but I have to figure out how to put into words, if that makes sense. A lot has happened since Robyn left which is kind of surprising seeing as she’s only really been gone a little over 2 weeks :,) 

I’ll update soon but for now Bye bye xx