When I look back on the world from when i was younger I see that all though I know see it differently, not much has changed. People or should I say the people around me haven't changed and sometimes I think maybe that's a good thing but then I remember that change is what allows a person to grow. It moves you forward in life ever closer to the greatest goals and desires of your heart. Then I sit and think, Have I changed? Have I moved forward or am I still the same person I was all those years ago. Yes, I'd love to yes I have changed that I have become stronger, braver and more confident. However there are still days when I think nothings changed. How do you know if you've changed and how do you know if that's a good thing? I always sit and think what would my life be like if I acted the way I do in my day dreams. Would things be different, would I be happier? But those are the things I'll never know.
I guess in some ways I have changed, I have begun to open up to people more by letting them know about how I feel and all the pain that I've been carrying for most of my life. It was hard and it still is but I'm getting there. I'm just so afraid that people will look at me differently and speak to me as if I were made of glass that could shatter at any moment. I know how hard it is to try and talk to someone who isn't happy but at the same time the only reason I find it difficult is simply due to the fact that I don't want them to question me the same way. But I guess that's life, a series of unfortunate events that no one can control, all you can do is control how it affects your life and what you do with the pain/grief or the knowledge it gives you. But that's not to say that all bad things happen to hurt you, sometimes one door has to close so that another can open.
So where do we go from here? On-wards and up-wards that's where. Or at least that's where I hope to go. At the start of last year I made a decision that has since changed my life, at first it seemed to the worst decision of my life, but now when I look back I can see that it truly was the greatest choice that I've made so far. I'm guessing your wondering what this great change might have been. To put it simply " I escaped Wales". Yes that's right I ESCAPED!! For most of my life I have lived in Wales and I have hated it. To me it's the source of my misery, the people the places and even the culture. I know it's not wise to lump everyone together in one boat but I can honestly say that since I've left Wales I have felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders. My heart is lighter and I have finally started to truly fell happy. Happy?? this is something that if you asked me about last year, I could honestly say that I have never truly experienced. Sad right?
When I arrived in New Zealand the euphoria I felt from no longer being in Wales is what fueled me to keep going for the first two weeks. But then things changed, I noticed that my happiness was slipping, and it was going fast. My anxiety came back and it was worse than ever, it was so bad that I suffered 3 mini/mild panic attacks. It was horrible to suddenly be unable to breathe, feeling a pain that isn't real and just wishing I could die, anything to make it stop. New Zealand was supposed to be my miracle cure, a way to make all of the pain and the hurt disappear, but guess what, it didn't, it came with me. I'd read online that this would happen, but I guess I was naive. I hoped and prayed that things would be different, but they weren't and in some ways they were worse. I felt trapped, as if I was suffocating in a home that was supposed to be my safe haven.
As you might already know on the 30th March 2014 I attempted to commit suicide, yes that's right I took an overdose and tried to end it all. The pain I felt was so strong that I just wanted it to stop. I guess in reality I didn't think about it that much. I just got a glass of water, took the pills and went to sleep. Okay so technically speaking I've missed out a bit in the middle, but I don't want to go into that. So basically the long and the short of it is, I did something stupid. To me it was stupid, but that doesn't mean to say that I'm happy with others calling my decision stupid. Kind of pathetic right? I can say it but you can't. But then again I've always said I was a hypocrite.
So where do I go from here. Literally speaking I went to the hospital, which might I add was the worst part of the whole experience. As I've said before dying is easy, living is the hard part. Knowing that I had to walk into a hospital and tell a nurse and a doctor and countless other medical professionals what I had done filled me with fear. I have never cried so much in my life, I was mortified and horrified that one of my worst fears had come true. That fear was to put in hospital due to my depression, it was something I feared since I was a child, that one people would find out and I would have to be admitted to the psych ward and I'd never be able to leave. So I guess in some ways my fear didn't come true. I was admitted into the acute injuries ward and had to undergo a few tests. Then I had to wait a while for my blood tests to come back and for the observations to end. I was watched constantly and I had to repeat what had happened several times. i admit the staff were kind and compassionate but I felt like a child, like they were speaking to me as if they were expecting me to freak out at any moment and have a complete meltdown. It made me feel uncomfortable and it honestly made me wish I had died. I didn't want to see the looks on their faces, the look that you'd give a broken toy, the look of pity or hopelessness. The worst came from the people I thought I could trust, and that hurt more than you can ever imagine.
So on the day I was admitted to hospital, something changed and it was this change that has since made my life worth living. The change, I met someone, not a romantic someone but a new friend. I'd been introduced to her before but I honestly didn't think we'd ever be friends. That was until on the 31st March she showed up at the hospital. I'd just finished having my compulsory psych evaluation when she walked in. She was in tears when she gave me a hug. It was that moment when it truly sunk in what I had done. The moment when a pretty much complete stranger cried for me someone they knew nothing about. It hurt, but not for the reasons you'd expect. It hurt because here was a stranger feeling pain and shedding tears for me when the woman I once called family was sitting next to me only thinking of how this was going to make her look. How it was going to affect her status and peoples opinion of her. She didn't care how much I hurt as long as people thought she was a good person, that it didn't affect her relationship with my parents.
So yes, In case your wondering who this woman is, her name is Jenny. she has since become a great friend and confident to me. She welcomed me into her home and into her family and I cannot thank her enough for all she has done for me. She was the one who showed me that I have a reason to live. That my life is worth living. If your wondering how she did this, it's simple. She became my friend, she treated me like I was a regular person. She spoke to me as if today had never happened and most of all she was kind. Kind in the simplest of ways. She smiled, and made me feel human at a time when I felt like an empty shell. I have since in a way become a part of her family. She includes me on family days out and I have come to feel at home with her family. They are some of the most amazing people I have ever met, her husband, her sons, her niece and her nephew. Through them I have been able to meet and become friends with more people and I will be forever grateful of the day that I met her as I don't think I would be the person I am today had I not met her.
So what's happened since then. Well where should I start. .
this is going to be a long journey so I guess I'll stop here. I'll continue to update this eventually but not right now. I feel I've written a lot as it is and I have bared it all to you and I'm just too numb inside right now to continue. That's not to say I'm not happy, it's just it's hard to be happy when I remember these things.
I just hope that none of my family or the people I've met in New Zealand sees this. :/
