My Life

When I was 7 I used to wish I was an adult so that I could do anything I wanted. I thought that I'd be confident and happy and able to cope with everything that the world threw at me. Oh how wrong I was. Now that I'm 19 and almost 20 I dream of the simpler times when everything was done for me. I never had to work and could just coast through life. As of October last year I am unemployed and I am hating it so much.

When I finished school at 16 I had no idea what I wanted to do in life, apart from knowing that I did not want to work in a hair salon, as I had previously helped out at my cousin's salon for a couple of days. I hated it, but that's was probably because I had no previous training and didn't know what to. even though all I did was answer the phone, clean, make tea and eventually washed clients hair.

So after school I signed up for college and started doing my As levels. However due to not talking to my old friends from school (who happened to be in all my classes TT^TT) I felt alone and isolated in college so I quit after 3 months.

I went to join the Army Prep course in another college as I'd seen one of my friends on it and saw how much she was enjoying it. I thought that if I joined i too would be happy with it as well, but I guess I have bad judgement, as I ended up hating the course and quit after 2 weeks.

As you can clearly see I've made some bad choices, so finally my sister said that if I couldn't find anything better to do my self then I would have to go to Careers Wales and ask about an apprenticeship or to go on another course. Doing this led me to being put on a work experience programme in a nursery. No doubtingly  you've guessed it, I hated it there. It's not that I disliked working with the children it's just that the staff put too much responsibility on the work experience people, and didn't really support us the way they should have. So I ended up quitting after about 2 months.

From there I went on to do more work experience, this time in a retail shop, Wilkinson's. Some people may laugh about working there but I can honestly say that  I was the happiest I'd ever been when I worked there. However after 18 months I sadly had to leave as the work experience course I was on was finishing and there was no hope of me getting a job at the end of it.

Before I finished at Wilkinson's my mother managed to get me a job helping out in the kitchen of a pub that a friend of hers's daughter owned. At first I was excited about the prospect of working in a bar but as the days grew closer and the time for me to start arrived I panicked. The first day was horrific I got shouted at constantly and was expected to know how to do everything. That night I came home crying and dreaded working the next day. I managed to go back a second time and even though it was better I still coudn't cope. I wanted to tell my mom but I didn't want to let her down. As the week passed and my next shift was coming up I panicked and had a mini breakdown, I couldn't face going back there. This was when my sister took me to the doctor and found out that I was slightly depressed. The doctor reccomended some activities such as join a group to try and make me happier as she didn't think that medication helps everyone and in some cases makes things worse.

So moving on from that experience I got a job on a market stall newsagents that was owned by a family friend. This was supposed to help build my confidence and self-esteem, however it did the opposite and made things worse. I admit that working on the stall made me speak louder and join in conversations but that's all it did. Initially I hated working there, some days I would come home crying and I wanted to quit and give up so many times. However as I had no other job opportunities available I had to stay. I'm glad I did in a way as I was able to pay for my self to go on holiday for two weeks and pay for spending and all the other paraphernalia that goes with holidays :D. However the feeling of not wanting to be at the job was still there, the reason was that I was constantly being criticised  and compared to some one who used to work there before I did. Eventually though, the comments got too much and I quit. and that's what brings me to where I am now.

A lot of people may say that it's my own fault that I'm in this situation , and I agree, however I place my happiness and sanity higher that anything.  While I was working at Wilkinson's my slight depression that I had, lifted and I was genuinely happier than I had been in years, however when I worked in the market stall i noticed it starting to slip. I no longer found interest in the things I used to love and didn't care for anything really. I still can't say that I'm happy anymore. I no longer have favorite colour's or food or anything anymore. Whenever I try to think pf stuff like that I just come up empty. Nothing, blank empty thoughts. It makes feel like a freak that I can't enjoy the things I know I love anymore.

OK so if you've manged to read all of this I commend you , and hope that I didn't bore you with a snapshot of my life story.

= ^ - ^ =

Boredom

I've realised that I never seem to write anything of any particular interest on here. But that's about to change hopefully :D from today on-wards I will be blogging about the things/goals that I want to achieve by the end of 2012 :D

The Goals :3

1. Learn to drive
2. Get a job
3. Get an iPhone
4. Get a laptop
5. Lose 1 1/2 stone ( :O this will be hard)
6. Dress the way I want (More) :)
7.Cut and dye my hair
8. Finally make videos for YouTube :S
9. Get new glasses
10. Finish decorating my room


As you can see a lot of the goals are materialistic but oh well :) the list was longer but i achieved two of the goals so they got crossed off. yay

anyways going to go now as i have nothing else to say other than , Wish me luck :D  . . . . please :)

50 Random Questions :D

1. What is your best friends name?
Atm I'd say I don't have one. But my best friend used to be Kirsty
2. What color underwear/boxers wearing now?
Pink  o.O
3. What are you listening to right now?
Nothing, but in a minute I'll be listening to LMFAO Sexy and I know it :P.

4. Whats your favorite number?
 7
5. What was the last thing you ate?
Roast Dinner (chicken :D )
6. If you were a crayon what color would you be?
Purple
7. How is the weather right now?
Ok I guess, haven't really looked out the window. :S
8. Who was the last person you talked 2 on the phone?
My Dad
9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Their hairstyle
10. Do you have a significant other?
Nope
11. Favourite TV show?
NCIS
12. Siblings?
A sister and a brother

13. Height?
160cm last time i checked, so I guess 5"3~ish :S
14. Hair colour?
Chocolate brown :D
15. Eye Colour?
Hazel
16. Do you wear contacts?
I tried, they're okay. I may wear them again in the future, but I'm relatively happy with just glasses for now.

17. Favourite Holiday?
HALLOWEEN!!!
18. Month?
December - The reason - CHRISTMAS = PIG OUT TIME :D
so basicly i love December for the food :P
19. Have you ever cried for no reason?
Yes

20. What was the last movie you watched?
Dorian Grey

21. Favourite Day of the Year?
¬.¬"  . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19th July :D

22. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
Yes

23. Can you do a headstand (not using the wall)?
Yes, though it gives me a headache

24. Hugs or Kisses?
Huggamuffin

25. Chocolate or Vanilla?
Vanilla, I don't like chocolate all that much. :S Yes I'm weird ¬.¬"
26. Do you want your friends to respond to this?
Sure why not?
27. Who is most likely to respond to a text from you?
My family o.O all of them :)
28. Who is least likely to respond to a text from you?
Everyone else.

29. What books are you reading?
The vampire's assistant - Darren Shan
Delerium - Lauren Oliver
All Together Dead (book 7) - Charlaine Harris
Paranormalcy - Kiersten White

30. Piercings?
Average ear piercings, nothing special

31. Favourite movies?
A tale of two sisters, Gothika, The skeleton key, The bone collector, Memoirs of a geisha etc... etc.... blah blah blah
32. Favourite football Team?
Manchester United. Allways have, allways will, don't know why as I don't even like football :S
33. What are you doing right now?
Well I was looking for manga to read then I found this on my friend's (Sam) facebook page :D
34. Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn?
Toffee popcorn
37. Dogs or cats?
Cats
38. Favourite flower?
Lilly's or Cherry blossom's :3
39. Been caught doing something you weren't supposed to do?
Yes
40. Do you have a best friend of the opposite sex?
No but I did when I was about 8
41. Have you ever loved someone?
Nope unless a crush is a valid answer
42. Who would you like to see right now?
I'm kind of content being on my own (not including the cat's , Tom & Jerry), though there are plenty of people I wouldn't mind seeing or seeing again at some point. (stole this answer as I agree with it, plus i edited it slightly :D)
43. Are you still friends with people from kindergarten?
I never went to kindergarten or to nursery as i lived in South Africa untill I was 4 and where I lived (Durban, Johannesburg) you didn't have to start school untill you were 6 :D
44. Have you ever fired a gun?
No
45. Do you like to travel by plane?
Not really, It's kind of boring :S
46. Right-handed or Left-handed?
Right-handed, but I'm trying to force myself to be ambidexterus (or however the hell you spell that word :P )

47. How many pillows do you sleep with?
Two and a cat as a mobile head heater :P (Tommy, my cat, likes to sit near my head when I sleep, so that I can't kick him off of my bed. :P )
48. Are you missing someone?
Nope
49. Do you have a tattoo?
Yes
50. Anybody on Facebook that you'd go on a date with?
The whole of Facebook or the people in my contacts? If it's just my contacts then, No

Roxy :)

:)

Higurashi taught me that there is always some madness in love, yet there is always some reason in madness.


Code Geass taught me that you don't realize how much you love something-- until it's gone.

Jigoku Shoujo taught me that friends must be kept close, or they'll slip away.

And what did anime in general teach me?

It taught me that anime can teach you a lot of things.

Anime = Love

Bleach told me that only the most respectable people fight, only to protect others.


Naruto told me never to give up on myself, or ohers.

Pandora hearts showed me that no one deserves to be alone.

Death note showed me how fragile life is.

Vampire Knight tol me that people may hide so they dont hurt others.

Anime showed me what true friends are for

Finnaly got me a tattoo :D